Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ill take things that do not belong in my world Alex for 1000 please

Well well well. Here we are again. I am sitting in front of my computer, itchin' to be creative, wishin' I could be like the other bloggers. They are funny. And imaginative. And smart. And fresh.

Lo and behold, what do I see when I inner-reflect?

Boring. Dull. Whiny. Lackluster. UN-imaginative.

And then, my bitchiness kicks in and I say EFF IT. EFF IT in the A. I am funny and smart and fresh. Not boring. Not dull. Ok maybe a lil whiny. Certainly luster-y and imaginative-y. What ever Vickie. Stop feeling like Brittney all fat and bloated and instead feel like Cher, spicy and fun and proud.
Yeah baby yeah. Eff the squares and be yourself.

Now I feel empowered. I breathe deeply in my nose and exhale slowly out of my mouth. Strangely craving a cigarette, but empowered nonetheless. I was contemplating people today.

All the people I come in contact with, those I know and those random people we see and make assumptions about. And this is what I came up with.

A) Hypocrites have no place in my world. Stand by your convictions. Don't be a pussy. If you believe or don't believe in something.. stand by it.

B)Do as I say not as I do. How can you seriously tell your kids NOT to smoke with a cigarette in your hand and a bong in the other? WTF is this crap about? Lead by example you effin bastards. If you want your children to stay off drugs don't use drugs. Sure some kids are going to do them anyway, and there is really nothing you can do to stop it. HOWEVER, if you have an open relationship with your child, teach them that they can talk to you about ANYTHING, do not judge or belittle them, they will come to you. Be involved in your kids lives. Know who their friends are, meet their parents, find out what kind of people they are. Active parents know where their kids are, who they hang out with and when Junior says he is at the library that is exactly where he will be.

C) The world owes me. No it effin doesn't. Life isn't fair. Get over yourself. At work, there is a contest, winner getting a gift card to some random restaurant or gas station. Cool, but its only like 25 bucks, and while I would not give it back, its nothing to get completely gaga over right? This dumb broad (and trust me, that is labeling her nicely) says "I think I should win because I really need the money and some of the past winners don't appreciate it because they really don't need money like I do". Are you KIDDING ME? Had I had a mouth full of pepsi when I heard that I would have it shooting out of my nose!! I want you to know it took every ounce of self-restraint my overweight bloated body could muster NOT to do a flying neckbreaker on her. Am I the only one seeing the patheticness in this statement?

D)Drivers who talk on their cell. That in of itself doesn't really bother me. Its when they drift into my lane, and then flip me off when I honk at them. Its when they pull out in front of me without looking and then go 15 miles under the speed limit. Its when a person is trying to text and drive at the same time and constantly hits their brakes because they are not paying attention to the road. Are you really that important? Seriously, pull over. Or into McDonalds. Or into the gas station. Just get off the road.

this bastard wants me to run him off
the road and then piss on his smoking corpse

E) People who are all self-righteous and have diarrhea of the mouth with NOTHING whatsoever to back it up. If you are going to preach how you would never do something, or say something, or heaven forbid you make a bad judgement call, then by all means your highness preach on. But if you are a mortal like the rest of us, learn from your mistakes and take it in the chin like a grown up. Does one really ever grow out of that pettiness? I seriously expect it from my kid, but seriously, get over it.

As I read over what Ive written, it seems like I am doing an abnormal amount of bitching lately. Sorry if its getting lame. Perhaps the purging of my irritations is a good thing.

I wonder what would happen if I didn't purge said thoughts? Google "What happens when you bottle your emotions" and see what you get.

Lets see...

Depression. Naa.. I'm not the type. I cant see myself all sad and mopey and oh my god everyone hates me. Next.

Short temper. Well maybe. I do tend to tell it like it is whether or not you want to hear it. I do get really, really mad when I have to interact with stupid people. When I say "Do the dishes before I get home" and then you say "Oh I forgot baby" when I get home and the dishes are NOT done, why then are you confused when I get pissed off? Right? Am I the crazy one? DO THE EFFIN DISHES. I FORGOT IS NOT AN EXCUSE YOU LAZY FUCK. See what I mean? Short temper. Imagine that everyday. Not good. Maybe thats why _____ (insert diety of your choice) invented marijuana in the first place eh?

Biting your nails. Man, it took me years to get out of that habit. I made the decision to stop that in Jr High. My first day of 7th grade the girl who sat next to me had absolutely beautiful nails. They were long, and tapered, and exquisitely painted. I was totally jealous and made the vow right then and there that I would stop. And I did. Eventually. In 10th grade.

Stomach problems. Well, now to a fat, and I mean REALLY fat girl, stomach problems can be both a blessing and a curse. Blessing implies goodness, and every fat girl dreams of a smaller stomach. Bad tummy means no food. No food is the yellow brick road to skinniness. HALLELUJAH. Curse because stomach problems also equal bathroom issues and as even the skinny girls can attest to, bathroom issues are not bueno. Not even a little bit. No Siree. But which is the lesser evil? I'm not sure.

Not even a little bit.

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