Sunday, September 28, 2008

Things that creep me out

Halloween is coming soon and if I was a singin' type o' gal, I would be dancing in the moonlight with my crystal ball and broom.

OH how I love Halloween!

Funny thing tho', I was watching the tube last night, and I saw that new commercial for Axe body spray. With the chocolate dude. You know the one. And ya know, that creeped the eff outta me.


And not just the choco-guy itself. It was the whole commercial. Him walking with that insipid smile on his face, the girls in the movie theater eating his ears, the girl on the subway biting his ass. The whole commercial is disturbing to me on a spiritual level. Put blood in place of chocolate and that would be awesome. Wicked awesome. And then have the bloody choco-guy bite the whores back, ripping their ears off. Yeah. Way cool.

Ya know what else is creepy to me? The new Burger King guy. Let me wake up one morning and find this pedophile in a cape staring at me from outside my window. Say hello to my lil friend ya butt pirate. In some commercials he is shown in the bed when unsuspecting John Q Public wakes up. In. The. Bed. Now, waking up to find a totally hot guy, dressed like a king, sporting a hard on AND an omelette sandwich? Totally awesome. That is fantasy #12, right before unusually short ninja dude with a half pepperoni half black olive pizza and right after Dunkin Doughnut maker with a blindfold and a piping bag full of custard.

MMM custard. I like custard.

Jared from the Subway commercials. Him too. That is a creepy creepy guy. I think its his smile. He leers at the camera like he wants to go all Jeffrey Dahmer on us. Or no wait, The UniBomber. Yea, he smiles like the UniBomber. His eyes have no twinkle or spark, dead and lifeless, his deadpan expression doesn't make me want to buy a delicious sub sandwich with all the veggies I want, have it toasted to perfection with my choice of condiments. Even if it does cost only 5 dollars for a footlong. It makes me want to stab my eyeballs with a toothpick. Ok maybe I am exaggerating a little bit. While it doesn't entice me to buy a sub, I will still buy a white chocolate macadamia cookie or two. Or three.

Those rock!

The women from those polygamy sects. They are just plain ole strange. And creepy. They dress alike, they talk alike, they even kinda look alike. While not being completely Stepford, they are definitely Stepford-esque. Now I get the whole community living thing and I would assume if I was a more "people person", I would probably like having several resources to draw from. Cooking, cleaning, child rearing all done on a group scale. If kids A and B piss me off, I can hand them off to wifey number 2. That's cool. But then again, kids A and B are not necessarily my personal offspring, and I don't know if I would want to be an eternal babysitter. I like sharing house keeping, but I don't like cleaning up after other people. I like sharing the cooking responsibilities, but what if wife 2 or 3 can't cook and their food tastes like crapola? What if I want a nice quiet evening with my husband? No kids, just us. Maybe watch a movie, grab a bite to eat, come home and eff in front of the fireplace? No can do, wives 2-4 got dibs on the effing today, wives 5-9 scheduled movie time and wives 11 thru 15 have scheduled time to be away from the kids leaving you stuck on child duty. That would suck. Not to mention they make their own clothes, which look exactly like everyone else. And I dont like to sew. At all. Not even a little bit. Whose gonna make my clothes? I wonder if the alpha male just calls them numbers? How does he introduce a new wife to the clan? "Hey e'rybody. Heres the new girl I'm gonna be banging so get used to it. Make her some clothes like y'all got, so I don't have to remember her name. Yins guys look alike anyway. Heres an ideal girls. Why dont you give a few hours so I can... get to know her. In a biblical way." Gross. And do they really have to schedule "mommy daddy time"? I wonder if he is any good in the sack? Theoretically he would have to be.. practice makes perfect right? And how does he keep all their needs separate? Wife 8 likes to be spanked and Wife 14 likes the guy to lick her taint....Hold on. I'm creeping myself out. I need a moment. **Deep breath** And the husband they choose? EWWWWW you know just by looking at him he smells like a dirty sanchez 3 days after waking up in Tijuana in a pool of your own vomit and a Chihuahua humping your leg.

No thanks.

Bugs in general don't bother me, mostly because I am bigger than they are. I can step on them. Or moosh them with my thumb. Or squish them in a tissue. But there is one kinda bug that is just disgusting to me. That would be the house centipede. Common in homes with crawlspaces, these bugs like the damp soil to lay their eggs and while preferring to stay outside in the crawlspace, they can migrate inside. I found one in the bathroom while we were moving in and totally freaked the eff out. It was long, and leggy, and spikey looking. Holy Centipede Batman, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I immediately went to the store looking for pesticide to kill it and all its lil friends that are lurking under my house just waiting for to me leave a damp towel on the bathroom floor. Oh no siree my friend. Invade my home and you will die. Oh yes, you will die. I have not seen one since, but every now and then I will see something out of the corner of my eye, skittle across the floor. No matter how quick I am, I can never confirm what I think I see. Maybe my brain is just playing tricks on me, maybe I'm just seeing a dust bunny flit across the tile, or just maybe I am seeing the centipede's gang, coming to take revenge on their fallen comrade. Maybe those little effers are plotting against me.
Wheres my Orkin Man when I need him?


Cary McNeal said...

Jared is an oxygen thief. He serves no purpose in this world other than to lie to us and claim that eating Subway sandwiches helped him lose weight. Bull. Fucking. Shit.

floyd barber said...

Fat Plumbers who wear thongs.