Sunday, November 2, 2008

My "not quite Friday" Fucket List

I'm sorry.

I got busy. I've been jumpin' through hoops trying to get a car loan. Yeah. It sucked. I've been trying to keep my temper under wraps, because it seems lately I have no tolerance for dumbasses. And with my new and improved Dumbass Attractor 2000 XL set on overdrive, I cant seem to get away from them. Dumbasses are surrounding me like the proverbial zombie, mindlessly wandering around, drooling, seeking sustenance.

The zombies have found me. And now they are stalking me.

I had to leave. Seriously.

My daughter and I got in the car and road tripped to my aunts house in Columbus. My uncle has an "uber grill" which he charred up some pork, we played video games and visited with my cousin and her 9 month old little girl. I saw the baby, and aside from the overwhelming urge to chomp on her mega fatty chipmunk cheeks, my ovaries starting hurting.

I know. I know. It was a fleeting ache, but an ache nonetheless.

ANYWAY... Friday was Halloween. I was totally disappointed with it.

Here's why.

Trick or treat. When I was a kid, it was magical. We took off out the door, hit every house on the block (except the witches house of course and don't act like my neighborhood was the only one with a witches house) and when we came home, our parents sorted through the candy, threw out the suspicious ones and then ate until we got a tummy ache. Now, these little bastards walk up to my door, hold out their pillow case and look at me with pure evil until I put something in their bag. No trick or treat. No thank you. Just a"give me some candy bitch and maybe I wont vandalize your car" kind of glare. Some of those ungrateful little spawns of Lucifer even had the nerve to say "I don't want that kind". Suck my ball sack you creeps. You get what I have or you get nothing. Next year, you get raisins. Or better yet, a couple of pennies. Yeah. Fuck you little jerk offs. YOU GET PENNIES. HAHAHAHAHAH. Fuck trick or treaters.

Halloween costumes. I always made my daughters costume, my favorite being Dorothy. She had the blue checkered dress, her hair in pigtails and a little basket with a stuffed dog. I got cheapo tennis shoes and covered them in red glitter, and if I say so myself, she was prettier than the original. What did I get this year? A girl who works at Wendys, dressed up like a chick who works at Wendys, which makes her... how old? Whatever. Buy your own candy, you gotta job ho. I had a group of 3 boys who looked like linebackers who didn't even bother to dress up, a mother and son who just had masks on (which in of itself is fine, except the mom had a bag too, not just walking with the boy, but a BAG... again.. how old are you? Oh I digress...) Every single costume was store bought or nothing at all. Some kids even were talking on the cell phones while trick or treating, so being the
smart ass I am I asked "And what are you supposed to be?" and
without missing a beat the little bastard (I would say was about 8) says "A teenager. Is that an Iphone you got?" Fuck Halloween costumes.

Lazy parents. I am sitting on my porch, passing out candy, chatting with my crew, just clowning around, you know how it is right? So, I'm watching up and down the street, just looking at the kids, hearing their banter, and liking it when I hear "Oh lets go to that house". I notice a red truck going very slowly down the road. Kinda odd. Now remember, my neighborhood doesn't have any sidewalks. The kids play in the street, walk in the street, ride bikes in the street, you get the idea, and everyone in the neighborhood slows down (we can always tell when an "outsider" rolls through because they are driving too fast). Anyway, this red truck is going about 5 mph and as I look, I see a bunch of kids hop out of the bed of the truck, run up to the neighbors house, snag their booty and jump back in the truck. Then I hear "OK GO" and the parent starts off down the road. I was so pissed at that scene that I almost yelled "Keep on going" when they stopped in front of my house. Was it because there is no work and all reward? I think so. Fuck lazy parents.

Honorable mention for this week:

Generic garbage bags. You suck. Fuck you.

One-ply toilet paper. I'm not in prison. Fuck you.

Ramen noodles. You taste like shit and have enough sodium to choke a horse but you're cheap so I have to buy you because lets face it, you cant beat lunch for a dime. Fuck ramen noodles.

Cable TV. You are so expensive and now I have no choice after Feb. Fuck cable TV.


Manuela said...

I agree with everything about the trick or treaters!! I personally was never allowed to go trick or treating.... the germans just don't do that, i guess....but there were a LOT of punks...didn't even say trick or treat....or thank you for that matter... and what are people going taking infants trick or treating...the kid has no teeth...I know you're excited at how cute the costume is...but you don't need to collect candy!!!???Take the child to Target portrait studio, get a picture of the costume and make a scrapbook page.... don't collect candy under the ruse that it is for your infant!

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