10.00 Challenge my ass

I'm totally veggin' out in front of the TV tonight, eating Nutella straight from the jar and watching reruns of Family Guy. Rocking evening if I say so myself.


When it happened. The most horrible thing I could have ever imagined on regular TV.


I was eye-raped by KFC.


Some yahoo ad agency thought that by insulting my intelligence, they could sell more chicken. Listen buddy, even a fat girl who loves her some chicken, wont buy into your logic if you insult her. By her, of course I mean an anonymous slightly overweight girl I have never seen before. Of course.


Have you seen the commercial with the claim that we cannot make a fried chicken meal for 10 bucks?


Seriously.


Dude, I'm a single parent. Not only can I make a fried chicken dinner, with REAL mashed potatoes and 4 biscuits, mine will be hot. And fresh. I bet you another said 10 dollars I can also get dessert in that budget as well. Asshole.


Let me explain how. They are advertising 7 pieces of chicken, potatoes and biscuits. We are going to need :


chicken (4 drumsticks .79 lb and 3 thighs .99 lb and lets assume its a pound each)

Flour ( 1.79 5lb bag, and assume we need 1/4 pound and flour is .39 lb divided by 4 so about .09)

11 herbs and spices (while I obviously do not know exactly which ones, I think it is safe to assume that to season 1/4 pound of flour we are talking about grams worth of spice, and even with 11 grams it is still less than a quarter)

oil to cook said chicken (deep fried, 2 cups and 2.59 for 48 oz is .05 per oz, 2 cups is 16 oz so oil is .80)



potatoes (large side at KFC is about 2 potatoes worth, but for argument sake, 1 lb and a 10 lb bag is on sale right now at Fligners for 2.99 so 1 lb is .29)

a couple tablespoons milk and butter (lets say .25 for milk and .30 butter)

salt (.02 really.. a whole container is like .24)



biscuits (ill use bisquick for this example, 1 cup and the whole box is 2.99 so a cup would be about .40)

milk for biscuits (takes 1/4 cup, so lets say .42)



add this up and what do we got?



Four mother fuckin dollars and 60 cents... that's right.



Include energy cost and time, we are still under 10 bucks. And I can get dessert too, the local store has salad for .99 for 12 ounces, and a Sarah Lee layer cake for 2.99.



I do want to point out I did not include gravy with this scenario. There is 2 reasons for this. A) KFC gravy is not real gravy, but a mix (which is about .33 at Aldi's so there) and B) good mashed dont need no gravy. What.


Now bitches.



Is there any love in KFC? Nope. Is there any quality in KFC? Nope. Does KFC make your chicken fresh and to order? Nope it sits under a heat lamp and the potatoes sit in a steam table. Do you have to deal with some kid who has a chip on their shoulder, pissed off they have to work because mommy wont pay for their cell phone anymore who probably picks his nose before doling out your food in a paper bag? Nope. My food is booger free and comes on a plate (sure its a paper plate but my teenager hates doing the dishes).



Vickies chicken is hot from the oil. Biscuits straight from the oven, all steamy and fluffy and I bet I got some left over butter for them too. You get a salad with my chicken dinner, my mashed potatoes are real and you get cake. CAKE. And if I'm feeling generous, I bet I could eek out some kool-aid too. What is the cost of kool-aid yo? Like .04 a glass? I get 2 quarts worth which means you get seconds. You dont get no drinks at KFC. Nothing.



Poop on KFC. I spit on you. And really, the local quickie-mart has better chicken. They do 12 pieces with 18 jo-jo's and a 2 liter for 11.99. Eff KFC.

You are my cuppy cake

Wazzup peeps? For those not familiar, today is Sweetest Day, or as my S.O. likes to say "A Hallmark Holiday". Sweetest Day is the red-neck equivalent to Valentines Day, and yes, it comes with heart shaped candy boxes, flowers, cards and teddy bears with I *heart* you on the tummy tum tum.

Observed the 3rd Saturday in the month of October, Sweetest Day observance originated in Cleveland in 1922. Herbert Birch Kingston, a philanthropist and candy company employee wanted to bring happiness into the lives of orphans, shut-ins and others who were forgotten. With the help of friends, he began to distribute candy and small gifts to the underprivileged.

Primarily a regional observance celebrated in the Great Lakes region and the Northeast, Sweetest Day is gradually spreading to other areas of the country. People tend to take the Sweetest Day tradition with them when they move. Ohio is the top state for Sweetest Day sales, followed by Michigan and Illinois. Texas, California and Florida are among the top 10 states in sales.

Hey, you learned something today!! Anywho, since its not a "real" holiday and I/we don't really celebrate Valentines Day either, I didn't really want to do the whole candy and card thing. I am not a flower-type person (IMO they are a waste of money), I do like candy, but eh... no biggie. However, I was in the mood to bake so I hit the grocery store.

Wandering the isles, desperate for inspiration, I found strawberry cake mix. Now, those that are familiar, know I'm not big into artificial flavored anything, and kinda turn my fat pudgy nose up at cake mixes. I. Am. A. Purist. Take the time and bake that shit from scratch yo. Be creative. If you are going to take the time to bake for your family, make it yummy. Cake mixes (to me) say "Ya know, I love you but just long enough to throw some shit together and because it is a thoroughly manufactured product, even if I don't follow the directions, it will still be edible".

Now I know some of you are saying "Vickie, mixes are convenient. Mixes give me baked goods without all the babysitting and half the mess". Perhaps you are saying "Bitch get off your high-horse. Who the eff do you think you are? My cakes are good ho" and that's fine for you. I don't like hydroponic anything, hothouse is a joke and why pay good money to a grocery store bakery that is just using the same mix off the shelf and charging triple the price??

I don't get it.

Oh but I digress....

Back to the strawberry cake mix. Sweetest Day is romance-y. Romance is flower-y. Flowers are pink-y. Strawberry cake mix makes pink cake. And it kinda sorta should theoretically taste like strawberry and since strawberries are out of season, I thought "cool." So I bought the mix and baked me up a mess o cuppy cakes.

I also decorated the bejeezes outta them. Oh me and my creative streaks. I am a cuppycake goddess!

Aren't they freakin cute??

I rock!!

Holla peeps

What's a-goin' on?

I have been totally uber-busy with life in general and have kinda sorta neglected my web duties. My neopet is dying, my Texas hold 'em team is losing and my myspace friends think I'm a recluse. Good thing I am not 'cyber-married' because I would be in the cyber-divorce court as we speak, chatting about how we are going to divide our cyber-belongings and visitation with the cyber-children. You laugh but I speak the truth.

Really.

I have been absorbed with my ongoing love affair with food. Any kind, any flavor, any texture. My name is the first one on the list for the potlucks, family get togethers and bar-b-ques. I always bite off more than I can chew (literally and figuratively..wow that works on 2 levels.. rock on) but always come out smelling like _______ (insert your favorite yummy goodness; ie bacon). Thanksgiving is always at my house, as is Christmas dinner, Easter brunch, Halloween spookfests, teen age sleepovers, the Annual Amateur Porn Review Classic and all the summer bar-b-ques are catered by moi.

Every year.

No exception.

I make a mean spread yo. Momma ain't fat for no reason.

That being said, there was a sign up sheet for a potluck at work, and OH MY GAWD they asked for cupcakes.

A potluck sign up sheet to me is like a port a potty to George Michael.

Irresistible. And no matter how many times I am told to leave it alone.. I cant quit it.

The cupcakes consumed me like an all encompassing swarm of bees buzzing around in my brain. I dreamt about these cupcakes. I doodled these cupcakes, spent hours searching google for just the right picture, and bought every magazine I could get my hands on with Halloween themed treats HOPING to find just the right one.

I found them.

Yes them. I couldn't decide on just one type. Pshaw you mere mortal!! I am Vickie. I am not happy unless I have not only volunteered to make a dish, but several dishes. And dessert. And bring the drinks. And decorate. Send e-mails to all involved, coordinate the buffet table and clean up the mess. Maybe I should be a caterer? This way I can control it all.

Everything.

Under my control. *wringing hands sinisterly*

I wonder if there is a disease or condition I suffer from? Obsessive perhaps? I'm not sure, that is a google search for another day.

So my beloved offspring said she would help, and this is what we came up with.

The spider is devil's food and the ghost is red velvet. Ain't they freakin cute??



The icing on the spiders took an entire bottle of icing color. Not quite as thin as normal egg food coloring, but way intense. It stains everything it comes into contact with, whether it be clothes, my kitchen table, your teeth or your skin.

This started out because she got some icing on her finger. When she realized how dark it turned her tongue, she then decided to drop a rather large dollop in her mouth. You can't tell from the picture, but it turned her teeth and gums a horrendous gray-ish mottled color.

The next batch of cupcakes were the red velvet ones, and as she was licking the beaters, the bowl and the spatula, she noticed her tongue was turning red too.

Here is close up of just the ghost. At the potluck I put up a sign that said "BEWARE SPIDERS WILL STAIN YOUR TEETH YOUR CLOTHES AND ANYTHING ELSE IT TOUCHES YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED" because I didn't want anyone bitchin' at me if they spilled icing and it stained their clothes, or if they had gray teeth the rest of the day. I think it scared everyone because no one wanted to eat them, every single person wanted to take them home.

Now all of a sudden, like 6 people came up to me and said "Hey can you make me a cake?" As if.

But again, my mouth spoke before my brain could catch up and next thing I know, I got 3 emails in my inbox asking for specs on price and style.

Eff me in the A.

I'm no Chef Duff. I'm not Martha Stewart. I'm not even RoseAnn Barr circa 1984. What the hecks am I gonna do?

Crap. The buzzing is back.

Must google soccer cake.

Must google.

Must.

M.....

Oh if I was a drinker..

Today work sucked. Busy as all hell.. a little cold weather and the general public goes freakin' crazy!! I swear, if I hear just one more time "Its supposed to be gittin cold" I am gonna suplex someone off the top rope!!

I don't know if any of yous have seen the show Dexter? Dexter is a blood spatter analyst, working for the Miami police department, respected on the force, and has a great girlfriend. Dexter is also a serial killer. Torture them, chop them up, then dump the pieces in the water type of killer. Whats cool is he only kills bad guys. Criminals. I suppose Ma and Pa Kettle have issues with violence, but I kind of cheer him on. He is a modern day Robin Hood, a vigilante taking revenge on the evils of society. And so what if he cuts em up? I say have at it. The people he goes after are killers, drug dealers, rapists, who would do nothing but suck the resources out of the system I pay for. Let him. It satisfies his need to kill, it cleanses the planet of these human diseases and it costs me NOTHING... oh again, I digress... The show is a series on Showtime, but has since been picked up by the mainstream tv audience. I haven't watched this on regular tv (meaning non-cable) because I know they are going to have to edit the snot out of it.

At the end of the episode I watched last night, a group of cops went to a bar. Now I haven't been to a bar in years. Literally. Say... 15 years...and I wouldn't even have an inkling on what to order. Traditionally I have been a Jack kinda gal... I used to like my liquor quick, hot and to the point. Burn on the way down, cloud my brain and allow me to do stupid things, like let an epileptic with no license drive my car with me puking in the backseat... oh those were the days.

Nowadays I am a bit more mellow, enjoying the occasional margarita at the cliche Mexican restaurant, or a glass of red wine at the uber-cliche Italian restaurant whose name rhymes with Smolive Barden. I think I would prefer more cocktails, or even the fancy shot drinks. Remember the fuzzy navel or sex on the beach? I found some much more interesting ones and while the names were extremely creative, I'm not so sure on the flavor.

Open Wound

everclear

a dash of tabasco

olive

Purple Jesus

vodka with grape kool-aid

Retards Blend

the recipe doesnt list everything, just vodka, whiskey, and tequila.. I guess your a retard if you drink it

Afterbirth

1 part Raspberry Schnapps

1 part Grenadine

1 part Baileys

add baileys last, when it curdles, slam it

Mind Eraser

Equals parts Kaluha and Vodka with a shot of soda

Nutty Irishman

Frangelico, Whiskey and Baileys

equal parts

Evil Smurf

4 cups vodka

2 cups blue raspberry slushie mix

1 20 container blue gatorade

Ice

mix until its a slushy

Redheaded Sluts

cranberry juice, jager and peach schnapps

Pink Panty Dropper

strawberry vokda, pink grapefruit juice and club soda

Snot Rocket

Apple brandy

sour apple pucker

lime vodka

Rubber Duckie

vodka, orange juice and a splash of sprite

Rusty scrotum

2 parts tequila, one part lime juice

Milk Dud

dark chocolate Godiva and caramel vodka

You got any good ones?

Bad tats are wiggity wiggity wiggity wacked

Sup peeps! I was websurfing today on my lunch break, catching up on my favorite blogs, reading my local paper online and just general wasting-timedness while munching on my lunch and for whatever reason ended up Googlin' "bad tats".

In the spirit of my most favorite-ist blog, the one that made me want to blog in the first place, I have compiled a list for you all to enjoy while you too peruse the web today.

Thanks for the inspiration List of the Day!! Your blog is well planned and thought out, my blog is more like... a haphazard array of... impertinent ruminations. I, one day hope to attain your level of splendor.

HAHAHAHAAH Gotta love http://thesaurus.com/ !!

***beware**

some of these pictures are not safe for work

some I am sure you have seen before

***beware***

you have got to be kidding me? I seriously want 2 unicorns effing on my back? what a douche

Maybe you shouldn't give the tattoo gun to a 10 year old who is exploring their sexuality eh?

I don't even have a smart ass comment for this one

Was is worth 10 grand? I tend to think not so much

How sweet. Your face on another dude's ass. If that doesn't scream homo, I don't know what does

This one just creeps me out on a whole other level

Really. It isn't.

The movie sucked just as bad

Are you trying to tell me something? The least you can do is manicure that fugly toenail.

Kinda cool. Kinda gross. I think its the jumbo nips on his ass cheeks.

I'm here to pick up your daughter, take her to the dance, and then terrify her beyond the boundaries of sanity.

I just want to know how he stayed still. Oh and who shaved his crack.

Now this make me want to date you.

Friends don't let untalented drunks tattoo them

Even in 1989 this wasn't cool.


Ah yes. The classic.

Ill take things that do not belong in my world Alex for 1000 please

Well well well. Here we are again. I am sitting in front of my computer, itchin' to be creative, wishin' I could be like the other bloggers. They are funny. And imaginative. And smart. And fresh.

Lo and behold, what do I see when I inner-reflect?

Boring. Dull. Whiny. Lackluster. UN-imaginative.

And then, my bitchiness kicks in and I say EFF IT. EFF IT in the A. I am funny and smart and fresh. Not boring. Not dull. Ok maybe a lil whiny. Certainly luster-y and imaginative-y. What ever Vickie. Stop feeling like Brittney all fat and bloated and instead feel like Cher, spicy and fun and proud.

Yeah baby yeah. Eff the squares and be yourself.

Now I feel empowered. I breathe deeply in my nose and exhale slowly out of my mouth. Strangely craving a cigarette, but empowered nonetheless. I was contemplating people today.

All the people I come in contact with, those I know and those random people we see and make assumptions about. And this is what I came up with.

A) Hypocrites have no place in my world. Stand by your convictions. Don't be a pussy. If you believe or don't believe in something.. stand by it.

B)Do as I say not as I do. How can you seriously tell your kids NOT to smoke with a cigarette in your hand and a bong in the other? WTF is this crap about? Lead by example you effin bastards. If you want your children to stay off drugs don't use drugs. Sure some kids are going to do them anyway, and there is really nothing you can do to stop it. HOWEVER, if you have an open relationship with your child, teach them that they can talk to you about ANYTHING, do not judge or belittle them, they will come to you. Be involved in your kids lives. Know who their friends are, meet their parents, find out what kind of people they are. Active parents know where their kids are, who they hang out with and when Junior says he is at the library that is exactly where he will be.

C) The world owes me. No it effin doesn't. Life isn't fair. Get over yourself. At work, there is a contest, winner getting a gift card to some random restaurant or gas station. Cool, but its only like 25 bucks, and while I would not give it back, its nothing to get completely gaga over right? This dumb broad (and trust me, that is labeling her nicely) says "I think I should win because I really need the money and some of the past winners don't appreciate it because they really don't need money like I do". Are you KIDDING ME? Had I had a mouth full of pepsi when I heard that I would have it shooting out of my nose!! I want you to know it took every ounce of self-restraint my overweight bloated body could muster NOT to do a flying neckbreaker on her. Am I the only one seeing the patheticness in this statement?

D)Drivers who talk on their cell. That in of itself doesn't really bother me. Its when they drift into my lane, and then flip me off when I honk at them. Its when they pull out in front of me without looking and then go 15 miles under the speed limit. Its when a person is trying to text and drive at the same time and constantly hits their brakes because they are not paying attention to the road. Are you really that important? Seriously, pull over. Or into McDonalds. Or into the gas station. Just get off the road.

this bastard wants me to run him off

the road and then piss on his smoking corpse

E) People who are all self-righteous and have diarrhea of the mouth with NOTHING whatsoever to back it up. If you are going to preach how you would never do something, or say something, or heaven forbid you make a bad judgement call, then by all means your highness preach on. But if you are a mortal like the rest of us, learn from your mistakes and take it in the chin like a grown up. Does one really ever grow out of that pettiness? I seriously expect it from my kid, but seriously, get over it.

As I read over what Ive written, it seems like I am doing an abnormal amount of bitching lately. Sorry if its getting lame. Perhaps the purging of my irritations is a good thing.

I wonder what would happen if I didn't purge said thoughts? Google "What happens when you bottle your emotions" and see what you get.

Lets see...

Depression. Naa.. I'm not the type. I cant see myself all sad and mopey and oh my god everyone hates me. Next.

Short temper. Well maybe. I do tend to tell it like it is whether or not you want to hear it. I do get really, really mad when I have to interact with stupid people. When I say "Do the dishes before I get home" and then you say "Oh I forgot baby" when I get home and the dishes are NOT done, why then are you confused when I get pissed off? Right? Am I the crazy one? DO THE EFFIN DISHES. I FORGOT IS NOT AN EXCUSE YOU LAZY FUCK. See what I mean? Short temper. Imagine that everyday. Not good. Maybe thats why _____ (insert diety of your choice) invented marijuana in the first place eh?

Biting your nails. Man, it took me years to get out of that habit. I made the decision to stop that in Jr High. My first day of 7th grade the girl who sat next to me had absolutely beautiful nails. They were long, and tapered, and exquisitely painted. I was totally jealous and made the vow right then and there that I would stop. And I did. Eventually. In 10th grade.

Stomach problems. Well, now to a fat, and I mean REALLY fat girl, stomach problems can be both a blessing and a curse. Blessing implies goodness, and every fat girl dreams of a smaller stomach. Bad tummy means no food. No food is the yellow brick road to skinniness. HALLELUJAH. Curse because stomach problems also equal bathroom issues and as even the skinny girls can attest to, bathroom issues are not bueno. Not even a little bit. No Siree. But which is the lesser evil? I'm not sure.

Not even a little bit.

Things that creep me out

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.