Again with the "not quite" Fucket list

In the words of my favorite comedian (and my next baby daddy) Katt Williams I say fuck it. When you adopt the "fuck it" attitude, you tend to not let shit get to you. You know, go with the flow. Let it roll.

Theoretically.

But sometimes that fuck it attitude can be your downfall.

For instance:

The Republican party said fuck it when they added Palin to the ticket. What in the world were they thinking? Ill tell ya what "Hey guys, Hillary was doing pretty good so lets get a female so all the uneducated women who would have voted for Hillary will now vote for McCain" Well guess what, women are no longer stuck in the kitchen you buncha ungrateful ass raping donkey fuckers. From what CNN is reporting today she doesn't know what countries are part of NAFTA. Does she know what NAFTA stands for? And by stand for I don't mean what it accomplishes.. I mean LITERALLY what it stands for???? I may not know what exactly was decided at the Geneva Convention, who the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is, the colors of the Kenyan flag or why my panties get all wet when I hear a man speak with a New Zealand accent, but I DO know what NAFTA stands for. And this broad has already said she is considering running for president in 2012? The fuck it didn't work out so well now did it? Fuck Sarah Palin.

MTV. What the fuck happened since, oh I don't know, 1990? Sure some of the shows were kinda cool. Spring break and that comical game show revolving around music and artists... I think it was called Remote Control? OK I can handle that. I was getting a little older, had a baby and a husband, a household to maintain. I couldn't watch videos all night like I did in high school. But then....you went and did it. Road rules. What is with that garbage? MTV you are solely responsible for TV programmings equivalent of jumping the shark and you don't even play videos any more. If I want to see videos, I have to find MTV2 and my cable company keeps moving the channel anyway because MTV 2 sucks what my dog pukes on the kitchen floor. What the fuck is that shit? VH1 is no better. All they show are countdowns, Flava Flav and Who Wants to Sleep with the Next 80's has-been? Fuck both VH1 and MTV.

Cable TV. Cable was on my honorable mention list last week, but they have officially been upgraded. I have DVR. DVR is very handy. My S.O. plans out his entire week of viewing via the DVR box, things he likes to watch, things he might like to watch, and yes even shit he has no idea what it is about but god forbid he misses it. Fine. I get it. I can't even watch regular TV anymore, because I automatically try to fast forward every time a commercial comes on. So, lately it seems that when a show is recorded from 9 - 9 30, the network shows it from 8 59 to 9 31 and I miss the last minute. So what you say. Its just a minute. I say fuck you. I am missing the last joke of the show on My Name is Earl, the last tidbit of information on Good Eats and the "where are they now" segment of Snapped. If it wasn't for the simple fact that I have come to loathe live TV I would cancel DVR right now. And of course I forget to adjust my record time, so I STILL miss the final little bit on every freaking show I like. Seriously FUCK cable TV.

Metallica and all their little "downloaders are stealing" buddies. Downloading your music and burning my own fucking discs is no different now than back in the day when I would wait with the cassette on pause till the song came on the radio,take it off pause and record it, then make copies for all my friends. I did it in 1986 when I didn't get the CD I wanted for Christmas but got a nifty little cassette recorder and have been doing it ever since. But since it bothers you so much, I wont download your music. Better yet, why don't I just not buy your music at all? Or your shirts, your DVD's, your concert tickets and your action figures? There are plenty of bands who 1) play wayyyy better music 2) want me to download their music and 3) aren't douches. Why? Because I will then tell my friends how awesome they sound and hey, lets go check out their concert. LOOKIE here, Tshirts... gotta have em... ooohhh CD's of their older shit.. SWEET... and OH MY GAWD action figures....HAHAHAH Fuck Metallica.

Honorable mention for this week:

Fall leaves. Pretty yes, but there are freaking everywhere. Stuck to my shoes, on my deck, in the driveway, covering my recently acquired vehicle (that's another blog). My rake is broke and no I haven't gotten another one. I would rather bitch about the fact that leaves are everywhere I look and now its fucking raining. Great. Fuck autumn leaves.

The price of American cheese. American fucking cheese is 7.49 a pound at my local deli. Are you kidding me? Fine. Whatever. I love American cheese. I guess Ill shell out almost 8 bucks for a pound. What choice do I have? I want it. Bitch slice that shit THIN THIN THIN so I can make it stretch. Yea yea I know, but I can't afford Virginia ham now. Give me the 2.49 ham like product. Hell Swiss cheese (which is a very tasty second) is only 5.99. Fuck American cheese.

Wii. You have an exercise game? Really? Like Dance Dance Revolution is not enough of a gut buster? I already feel like a blubber butt trying to keep up on your easy level and now you are pushing aerobics down my fatter than the average American throat? Fuck the Wii (but please Santa, bring me one anyway, the graphics are superior and I really want to play Zelda).

My "not quite Friday" Fucket List

I'm sorry.

I got busy. I've been jumpin' through hoops trying to get a car loan. Yeah. It sucked. I've been trying to keep my temper under wraps, because it seems lately I have no tolerance for dumbasses. And with my new and improved Dumbass Attractor 2000 XL set on overdrive, I cant seem to get away from them. Dumbasses are surrounding me like the proverbial zombie, mindlessly wandering around, drooling, seeking sustenance.

The zombies have found me. And now they are stalking me.

I had to leave. Seriously.

My daughter and I got in the car and road tripped to my aunts house in Columbus. My uncle has an "uber grill" which he charred up some pork, we played video games and visited with my cousin and her 9 month old little girl. I saw the baby, and aside from the overwhelming urge to chomp on her mega fatty chipmunk cheeks, my ovaries starting hurting.

I know. I know. It was a fleeting ache, but an ache nonetheless.

ANYWAY... Friday was Halloween. I was totally disappointed with it.

Here's why.

Trick or treat. When I was a kid, it was magical. We took off out the door, hit every house on the block (except the witches house of course and don't act like my neighborhood was the only one with a witches house) and when we came home, our parents sorted through the candy, threw out the suspicious ones and then ate until we got a tummy ache. Now, these little bastards walk up to my door, hold out their pillow case and look at me with pure evil until I put something in their bag. No trick or treat. No thank you. Just a"give me some candy bitch and maybe I wont vandalize your car" kind of glare. Some of those ungrateful little spawns of Lucifer even had the nerve to say "I don't want that kind". Suck my ball sack you creeps. You get what I have or you get nothing. Next year, you get raisins. Or better yet, a couple of pennies. Yeah. Fuck you little jerk offs. YOU GET PENNIES. HAHAHAHAHAH. Fuck trick or treaters.

Halloween costumes. I always made my daughters costume, my favorite being Dorothy. She had the blue checkered dress, her hair in pigtails and a little basket with a stuffed dog. I got cheapo tennis shoes and covered them in red glitter, and if I say so myself, she was prettier than the original. What did I get this year? A girl who works at Wendys, dressed up like a chick who works at Wendys, which makes her... how old? Whatever. Buy your own candy, you gotta job ho. I had a group of 3 boys who looked like linebackers who didn't even bother to dress up, a mother and son who just had masks on (which in of itself is fine, except the mom had a bag too, not just walking with the boy, but a BAG... again.. how old are you? Oh I digress...) Every single costume was store bought or nothing at all. Some kids even were talking on the cell phones while trick or treating, so being the

smart ass I am I asked "And what are you supposed to be?" and

without missing a beat the little bastard (I would say was about 8) says "A teenager. Is that an Iphone you got?" Fuck Halloween costumes.

Lazy parents. I am sitting on my porch, passing out candy, chatting with my crew, just clowning around, you know how it is right? So, I'm watching up and down the street, just looking at the kids, hearing their banter, and liking it when I hear "Oh lets go to that house". I notice a red truck going very slowly down the road. Kinda odd. Now remember, my neighborhood doesn't have any sidewalks. The kids play in the street, walk in the street, ride bikes in the street, you get the idea, and everyone in the neighborhood slows down (we can always tell when an "outsider" rolls through because they are driving too fast). Anyway, this red truck is going about 5 mph and as I look, I see a bunch of kids hop out of the bed of the truck, run up to the neighbors house, snag their booty and jump back in the truck. Then I hear "OK GO" and the parent starts off down the road. I was so pissed at that scene that I almost yelled "Keep on going" when they stopped in front of my house. Was it because there is no work and all reward? I think so. Fuck lazy parents.

Honorable mention for this week:

Generic garbage bags. You suck. Fuck you.

One-ply toilet paper. I'm not in prison. Fuck you.

Ramen noodles. You taste like shit and have enough sodium to choke a horse but you're cheap so I have to buy you because lets face it, you cant beat lunch for a dime. Fuck ramen noodles.

Cable TV. You are so expensive and now I have no choice after Feb. Fuck cable TV.

Friday "Fucket" List

Ya know, I like to bitch. In all reality, who doesn't?

A. Lot. Especially anonymously. Online.

And when I read some of my favorite-ist blogs *waves to LOTD and Princess Pi* I realize that Im not the only one. At some point, even some of the political blogs I enjoy throw in a personal jibjab at someone and/or something that has been long ignored, some injustice that has not been rectified. Religion and its zealots, parents and their evil spawn, teenagers, fast food, tv ads and even our bosses are fair game. I have read blogs about the stupidity of the general population, the latest and most awesome trends, video games, books, card collecting, coupon cutting, crafting, cooking, cake decorating and yes, even knitting. KNITTING for christmas-sake. I have never knitted a effin' thing in my entire life, but I still read it. Everyday even, and only for the simple fact that the author is well-written, knowledgeable and absolutely hilarious.

Seeing that this blog says "All Things Bitchin'" I figured I better start.

Bitchin' that is.

Hummers. Hummers piss me off. And not the "on your knees" hummer either. Im talking about the big, boxy, 2 parking space takin, I cant see over the windshield, gas guzzlin kind. Really GI Joe? Do you need what is essentially a military assault vehicle to do your grocery shopping? Add a turret and a camo paint job and you got SIR YES SIR all the way. Dude, you live in the CITY. There is no jungle to traverse thru to make it to yonder destination 2 clicks north. I promise while it may not make up for the fact your penis is 3 inches long and about as thick as a chopstick, a Focus will be fine, just fine. Fuck hummers.




Disney. Disney used to be the shizzy yo. Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King. Excellent. I am 37 years old, and I still put on my Aladdin DVD while I clean the house just so I can sing along. I bought not one but TWO copies of the Lion King soundtrack as well as Beauty and the Beast along with all its sequels in a box set. For myself. But what has since happened? Everything is High School Musical or Hannah Montana. Eww. Do you mean to tell me that with all the money that flows through that company, as well as the clearly superior talent that works there, they cannot come up with anything better than Hannah Monfuckintana? I hope that the era for well-made cartoon movies has not passed. I hate to think the "golden age" of cartoon movies has made way for the clearly less superior The Simpson's Movie and the albeit funny as shit South Park movie, but c'mon South Park is no Disney. Fuck Disney.

Saturday cartoons. What the fuck happened with that shit? Saturday morning used to be about Looney Tunes and Scooby Doo, SpiderMan and X Men. I even liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for christ sakes. Now we got the New Batman? WTF?? No Bugs, no Daffy, no Sylvester and no Yosemite Sam. What is this world coming to? I watched the networks replace Bugs with Yu Gi Oh. YU GI OH. Get the fuck outta here. What is this shit? I tolerated Saved by the Bell because even tho he was jail bait, Mario Lopez was delicious to look at and it was funny. Like Three's Company funny. I remember grabbing a box of cereal, the gallon of milk, my bowl and spoon, eat like 1/2 a box and totally veg from 8 am til noon when the news came on. That was awesome. Now we get nothing. The powers that be have slowly gotten rid of Saturday cartoons all together. Check it out sometime. Our kids are getting jipped and its a shame. A damn shame. No more Wile E Coyote. Fuck Saturday cartoons.

Honorable mention for today's Fucket List:

Taxes. Fuck em.
Used cars. Fuck em.
NSF fees. Fuck em.
Spongebob Squarepants. Fuck him in his neck.
Movie channels. Fuck em.
Smokers who cant afford their habit. Fuck em. All day long.