The return of the Fucket List

I have gotten a BUNCH of emails asking where the fucket list has gone. It hasn't gone anywhere, I have just been in a funk. Money, the S.O., paying for my daughters college books and tuition myself, her boyfriend, my car, my job, and the realization of my own mortality has made me... funky.

BUT rest assured friends in all corners of the planet (which is a bizarre phrase in of itself because our planet is ROUND hence no corners... ) the fucket list is alive and well.

With that preface, I will now give a fucket list...

Fuck the general public. You are mindless drones with no sense, common or otherwise. I watch the Jay Leno show every night. I *heart* Jay effin Leno. ANYWAY, he has various segments where he goes on the street and asks basic questions to see what people answer. For example "What language to they speak in Canada?" My answer was English and French. Correct. Someone said Canadian. Someone else said Canadianese. Seriously. CANADIANESE? You have got to be kidding me. How about the broad that called 911 because McDonald's ran out

of chicken mcnuggets? Or the dumb ass that cut in line at a Wal-mart and assaulted the police officer who was called to calm down the situation after a fight broke out between her and whoever she cut in front of. She is NOW suing the police department because she claims she was targeted by the police based on her race. Holy STOP WITH THE RACE CARD Batman! When does it end? The boys that set another boy ON FIRE over a bike? The mom that posed as a teenager on myspace and tormented another teenager online SO BAD that poor girl committed suicide? Fuck the general public.

Fuck the dumb females. When did it become trendy to be an airhead? The playmates on the Girls Next Door, the Kardashian sisters, the actresses on The Hills and/or Gossip Girls (the two shows are pretty much interchangeable) up to and including the girl that I work with who looks like she just rolled out of bed every single day... are all airheads. Don't even mention Kerrie Prejean and her amazing ability to not only put her foot in her mouth, but take it up her ass too. I don't watch TGND, the Kardashians, Gossip Girl OR the Hills, but from simply watching the commercials, I am convinced they are airheads. As far as Rumpled-hairskin from my job, how she manages to get into the building every day a) in one piece and b) on time is beyond me. Be strong. Be confident. Don't be an airhead. Fuck airheads.

Fuck highway drivers. You cut me off just to put your brakes on. Are you in so much of a hurry one car length is going to get your there that much faster? Why do I want to slam into the back of your car anyway and say fuck the ticket? Oh that would teach ya wouldn't it? Cut me off next time so you can hurry up to get to the same red light and watch me. I have full coverage insurance. I have accident forgiveness. Some days I think the punishment is absolutely worth the crime. You wanna take a chance the next time you cut me off?? You feel lucky? Fucker?

Fuck Charter One Bank. I went to you because you were close. Your counter people were pleasant enough, knowledgeable and efficient. But then you moved. Now the closest Charter One is half an hour away. Ok fine, we stayed. Its kind of out of the way, but I can swing by after work and bank by ATM. Now you send me policy changes and what do I see now? Fees? Check fees? ATM fees? NSF fees? HOLD THE FUCK UP! How much are you charging? 39.00 NSF for .10 ? The account was overdrawn for 4 hours ??? And all you can say is " we do not remove NSF fees unless it is a bank error"? Get the fuck outta here. Chase bank is close by. So is National City. Better yet, my company has a credit union. Fuck Charter One.

Honorable mention for this week:

Drama Queens. Every week you are crying about something. No one, anywhere, has that much shit wrong in their life every single day. Get a backbone. Stop being dramatic. Sack up and stop being a pussy. Fuck Drama Queens.

Early Christmas decorators. It is not even thanksgiving yet, put your god damn Christmas lights away. Fuck you.

Facebook spammers. Stop hogging up my wall. Fuck facebook spammers. And by the way, if I don't speak to you in real life, the only reason I am your facebook friend is for Mafia Wars, or some other game I need "neighbors". I still think your a douche, hence the reason I don't talk to you. Again, I say Fuck you.

Where oh where has my government gone?

Or better yet.. what the fuck has happened to my fellow countrymen?

I don't like the whole "government is out to get me", "the feds are wiretapping my phone", "the government is trying to take away my freedom" thing.. but if that is your view.. I understand and you my friend are more than entitled to that opinion. I respect your opinion, I respect your personal right to have that opinion and that is all I got to say about that.

What I am NOT understanding is why do Americans go from one extreme to the other? I read a story online about a woman, who allows her 16 year old daughter to have a 24 year old boyfriend. Said boyfriend also LIVES WITH mom and the 16 year old. Mom KNOWS the two are having "adult relations". OK.. follow me so far? Now, daughter and boyfriend BOTH decide to tape a love making session. No copies were made, it was not posted on Youtube, it was not made public at all and daughter admits wholeheartedly she was aware she was being taped and CONSENTED to said taping. Still follow? Mom is ok with 16 year old dating 24 year old and they all live under the same roof. Mom knows they are fucking. SO, mom comes across this video. Now she is charging the boyfriend with rape. RAPE! Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

What is wrong with this picture?

Lets touch on prayer in school. Everyday when I was in the 5th grade, my teacher Mr Jackson had us say the pledge of allegiance and asked that we bow our head. He would mumble something to whatever deity he believed in asking him/her/it to open our minds to whatever we were learning about that day. He also said if you do NOT want to pray, just stand silently while those that want to.. do. How fucking easy is that? I didn't pray. I usually looked at the book study guide for the test we were going to get. Or flip glance through my notes. Or look at the totally dreamy hair of whatever boy I was lusting after that week. My parents didn't care. I don't even think I ever told them. I guess I didn't see the big flippin' deal. Why do all these parents get bothered over that? Isn't there more important things to champion? Why not press for better background checks for school workers? Why not make sure the teachers are getting the supplies they need? Or getting the updated training to keep up with the pace of today? Or about getting the students the tools they need to succeed? The parents sure don't mind when the churches donate art supplies, or volunteer at that football games now do they? If the student does not want to participate in the prayer, they don't have to. But shouldn't they respect the rights of those that do? When I go to a banquet and they call for a prayer or a blessing.. I do NOT participate. I sit silently while those that want to... do. When I go to funeral, and they call for a prayer, I don't pray. But I do not stop those that want to from doing so. I don't go to church, but who am I to tell you that you cannot?

Why do people only vote democrat? Or republican? Why do I need a label? The person we elect to run our country should be voted into office because of what he can do. NOT because of the party he is affiliated with. EVERYTHING is the ENTIRE GOVERNMENT should be BIPARTISAN. There are things that are important and things that are not. There are things that are COMMON SENSE and it should be not under debate.

For instance.. child protection. Raping a child is wrong. Abusing a child is wrong. There should be no debate about this subject at all. There should be no "gray areas". You blacken the eye of a child, you deserve jail. You rape a child, you deserve jail. If you do not take care of your child, you should not have one. Give that child to someone who will take care of it. Done deal. Whats to debate?

Abortion is the woman's choice. Not religions. Not the governments. Not the politicians. Not societies. That is a woman's choice. Plain and simple. She lives the with consequences. Not you. Pray to your god about the soul of the baby that never was if you feel that is necessary. I sure wont stop you. Does abortion count as abuse as I have heard it argued? Not to me. That is your choice and God damn if that isn't the basis of our entire country.

Why the soap box today you ask? I was innocently watching TV this morning, when my S.O. brought up a story he received about a school changing the words of "Jesus loves the little children" to "Obama loves the little children" and is teaching them to sing that version.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Where is the parental outrage? Why are there no protests outside... parents waving signs saying " KEEP YOUR OPINION OUT OF OUR SCHOOLS" or "SCHOOL IS NOT THE PLACE FOR GOVERNMENT PROPAGANDA". I just don't get it.

Why aren't the churches up in robes about that? Are the confessionals full of teachers and administrators begging forgiveness for slandering a beloved Sunday school song and bending it to the fit the school's definition of separating church and schools? There is no place in the school for religion but its ok if we replace Jesus with Obama.

Why not Satan loves the little children? Or Manson? I'm sure that crazy sum bitch LOVES children.

Why not For Obama so loved the world he gave his only.. no wait. That wont work.

Will Depeche Mode change the words to "Personal Obama"?

Will they sing about Little Lord Obama laying down his sweet head?

Government needs to be run like a business. When a business is failing, what does it do? Cuts back on spending, stops the bonuses, combine departments, downsize. Why doesn't the government downsize? How many interns do they need? How many assistants are necessary? Do they really need personalized stationary? Do the lights need to be on all the time? Does every person in the building need a copy of the bill? Cant they do it electronically?

Why not stop importing stuff and open the factories back up? Bring the jobs BACK to America and tell China and Japan, while we appreciate your cars, toys and domestic goods, we need to get Americans back on the job. If Americans have jobs, Americans will spend money. Then the other businesses will start turning a profit because we will be consuming more goods. They can afford their houses again, they can stop with the foreclosures and it will snowball from there.

See? This is why I should be president.

Im totally in love

With food.

So much so that I am a dedicated follower of the Fabulous Food Show held a the IX Center in Cleveland every November.

I said a FOOD SHOW. Not a Star Trek convention, Craft Fair, Festival go-er...no no nothing cool like that. I am a fat girl traipsing around a convention center with TONS of other fat people to sample food, watch food being prepared, watch demonstrations on gadgets to make food preparation better, drink wine and spirits to enhance my food experience . There was even a light emitting teeth whitening booth offering 10 min sessions to remove the stains that said food and wine may cause.

Holy Free Sample Batman I am in heaven. Is this NOT a wet dream of every fat person out there? If you google "fabulous food show" you can see what I am talking about. You can taste foods from local and not so local restaurants, big factory foods were represented like Land O' Lakes and Orlando bread. There were lots of artisan food companies specializing in everything from chocolates and cookies, to bar b que sauces and dips. We sampled pasta sauces, jellies made from wine (burgundy and zinfandel), cheeses, cookies and sausages.

The first year we went, we saw Alton Brown who is by far my favorite Food Network personality. He has a couple of shows, Good Eats and Feastin' on Asphalt I/II (and most recently Feastin' on Waves) as well as the host of Iron Chef. If you have not seen his show Good Eats, I promise you will not be disappointed. His knowledge of food is unmatched by even his holiness Emeril, his humor is on point and my S.O. is convinced he was a pothead in his early years.

The next year, we saw Paula Deen. Honestly, she is exactly the same live as she is on her show Paula's Home Cooking and Paula's Party. I am not even kidding when I say we think she was hittin' the wine bar before her show. Her husband Michael is also a big part of her shows now and he was there, doing the cooking. Paula was totally working the crowd and I don't think she did so much as cut up the ciabatta bread that her appetizer was going on. Her pumpkin pie is the only recipe I use, it is fab u lous.

The third year we saw Alton again. I told you he is my favorite. I sprang for the little bit more expensive seating (up to this point I only had bleacher seats) and got a floor seat. Not so good and Ill tell you why. I am not the tallest person in the world and when everyone stands, I cant see anything but the back of the people in front of me. Even when sitting, I have a hard time seeing the stage. As a matter of fact, I liked the bleacher seats better even though I was farther away, if only for the simple fact that I could see beyond the heads in front of me. Anywho, Alton was demonstrating chocolate taffy (his version of a tootsie roll) and was throwing samples out to the crowd. Of course, the really really good seats are the ones that got them. When he called for questions, no one came to the bleacher seats, when the roving camera was .. well roving.. no one came to the bleacher seats. I made a vow right then and there I would spring for the best seats if I was ever going to see Alton again.

This year we saw Guy Fieri. If you have never heard of him, he was a winner on the Food Network's answer to the reality show craze "The Next Food Network Star" as well as the "food dude" on the TGIF commercials. The winner of the show of course getting a contract with Food Network for your own cooking show. How freakin' awesome would that be? Now he is totally hit the big time, owning 5 restaurants on the west coast, spokesperson for TGI Fridays, and has 3 cooking shows (Guy's Big Bite, Diners, Drive Ins and Dives and Guy Off the Hook).

I also had FRONT ROW seats...right in front of the stage front row. Not off to the side, or tucked in a corner. FRONT EFFIN ROW. Totally worth it and yes, next year I will also have right in front of the stage and in the front row.

So instead of bitchin' this week, I thought I would share just a few of the pictures I took.

This is for a local restaurant, that happens to be owned and operated by a former Cleveland Brown football player. Bubba was getting interviewed by a local television station as we were getting our samples. I didn't want to seem star struck so I didn't ask for a picture with the interviewer, but he is cutie on our local Fox 8 morning show. Oh and the sauce was pretty good, but a little on the vinegary side for me. S.O. liked the hot style the best.

This company is another locally owned business that sells a sweet blackened sauce, that is excellent on both chicken and beef. I bought 3 bottles as well as the dry rub version. Last year we only bought 2 and sure was missing it when we ran out. It is better than A1 or Heinz 57 (which is my fav but not anymore) on steak.

I am a total popcorn nutjob. I like it any way I can get it, whether it be cheese, caramel or butter and salt. When I was kid, I remember getting a fruity-flavored candied popcorn and low and behold, here it is. You know I bought some, but it didn't make it home. I ate the whole bag in the car!

This my secret to my most awesome food stuffs. This is Sorcerer Seasonings, a local company, who smokes their spices. Hickory smoked no less, so no matter what you cook, there is a touch of smokey bacon-y goodness. I bought it the first time we went to the show, and have used this booth in particular as an "excuse" to go back because I need to.. you know, stock up. Last year I tried the smoked paprika, which is my why paprikas is the best. Seriously, even Paula Deen ain't got nothin' on me when it comes to paprikas! (my picture didn't come out well, hence the ad pic, sorry)


This booth was all about sausage. Pork, chicken, beef... I cant even begin to describe what kind of smells were wafting from this little tiny booth. The lighter lookin' sausage is chicken, with spinach, roasted tomatoes and feta and oh my god it was delicious, so much so I bought some of that as well. And I don't even like feta cheese. At all. Not even a little bit. That along with an asiago and onion cheese spread (we bought at that booth too) thats going to go on a big ole honkin loaf of French bread and under the broiler. Totally yum. We will be having it for dinner on Sunday. Prolly add a mescaline salad with hard boiled eggs. Yummy!

There were so many booths of cookies, biscotti, and cookie dough!

Can you see how close I am to the stage? Oh my god it was AWESOME.. and he is just as cute in person...

These two are true Guy fans. Who would of thought TV cooks would be so popular people dress like them?

So that was my day. I seriously am already planning next year.

Seriously.

Again with the "not quite" Fucket list

In the words of my favorite comedian (and my next baby daddy) Katt Williams I say fuck it. When you adopt the "fuck it" attitude, you tend to not let shit get to you. You know, go with the flow. Let it roll.

Theoretically.

But sometimes that fuck it attitude can be your downfall.

For instance:

The Republican party said fuck it when they added Palin to the ticket. What in the world were they thinking? Ill tell ya what "Hey guys, Hillary was doing pretty good so lets get a female so all the uneducated women who would have voted for Hillary will now vote for McCain" Well guess what, women are no longer stuck in the kitchen you buncha ungrateful ass raping donkey fuckers. From what CNN is reporting today she doesn't know what countries are part of NAFTA. Does she know what NAFTA stands for? And by stand for I don't mean what it accomplishes.. I mean LITERALLY what it stands for???? I may not know what exactly was decided at the Geneva Convention, who the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is, the colors of the Kenyan flag or why my panties get all wet when I hear a man speak with a New Zealand accent, but I DO know what NAFTA stands for. And this broad has already said she is considering running for president in 2012? The fuck it didn't work out so well now did it? Fuck Sarah Palin.

MTV. What the fuck happened since, oh I don't know, 1990? Sure some of the shows were kinda cool. Spring break and that comical game show revolving around music and artists... I think it was called Remote Control? OK I can handle that. I was getting a little older, had a baby and a husband, a household to maintain. I couldn't watch videos all night like I did in high school. But then....you went and did it. Road rules. What is with that garbage? MTV you are solely responsible for TV programmings equivalent of jumping the shark and you don't even play videos any more. If I want to see videos, I have to find MTV2 and my cable company keeps moving the channel anyway because MTV 2 sucks what my dog pukes on the kitchen floor. What the fuck is that shit? VH1 is no better. All they show are countdowns, Flava Flav and Who Wants to Sleep with the Next 80's has-been? Fuck both VH1 and MTV.

Cable TV. Cable was on my honorable mention list last week, but they have officially been upgraded. I have DVR. DVR is very handy. My S.O. plans out his entire week of viewing via the DVR box, things he likes to watch, things he might like to watch, and yes even shit he has no idea what it is about but god forbid he misses it. Fine. I get it. I can't even watch regular TV anymore, because I automatically try to fast forward every time a commercial comes on. So, lately it seems that when a show is recorded from 9 - 9 30, the network shows it from 8 59 to 9 31 and I miss the last minute. So what you say. Its just a minute. I say fuck you. I am missing the last joke of the show on My Name is Earl, the last tidbit of information on Good Eats and the "where are they now" segment of Snapped. If it wasn't for the simple fact that I have come to loathe live TV I would cancel DVR right now. And of course I forget to adjust my record time, so I STILL miss the final little bit on every freaking show I like. Seriously FUCK cable TV.

Metallica and all their little "downloaders are stealing" buddies. Downloading your music and burning my own fucking discs is no different now than back in the day when I would wait with the cassette on pause till the song came on the radio,take it off pause and record it, then make copies for all my friends. I did it in 1986 when I didn't get the CD I wanted for Christmas but got a nifty little cassette recorder and have been doing it ever since. But since it bothers you so much, I wont download your music. Better yet, why don't I just not buy your music at all? Or your shirts, your DVD's, your concert tickets and your action figures? There are plenty of bands who 1) play wayyyy better music 2) want me to download their music and 3) aren't douches. Why? Because I will then tell my friends how awesome they sound and hey, lets go check out their concert. LOOKIE here, Tshirts... gotta have em... ooohhh CD's of their older shit.. SWEET... and OH MY GAWD action figures....HAHAHAH Fuck Metallica.

Honorable mention for this week:

Fall leaves. Pretty yes, but there are freaking everywhere. Stuck to my shoes, on my deck, in the driveway, covering my recently acquired vehicle (that's another blog). My rake is broke and no I haven't gotten another one. I would rather bitch about the fact that leaves are everywhere I look and now its fucking raining. Great. Fuck autumn leaves.

The price of American cheese. American fucking cheese is 7.49 a pound at my local deli. Are you kidding me? Fine. Whatever. I love American cheese. I guess Ill shell out almost 8 bucks for a pound. What choice do I have? I want it. Bitch slice that shit THIN THIN THIN so I can make it stretch. Yea yea I know, but I can't afford Virginia ham now. Give me the 2.49 ham like product. Hell Swiss cheese (which is a very tasty second) is only 5.99. Fuck American cheese.

Wii. You have an exercise game? Really? Like Dance Dance Revolution is not enough of a gut buster? I already feel like a blubber butt trying to keep up on your easy level and now you are pushing aerobics down my fatter than the average American throat? Fuck the Wii (but please Santa, bring me one anyway, the graphics are superior and I really want to play Zelda).

My "not quite Friday" Fucket List

I'm sorry.

I got busy. I've been jumpin' through hoops trying to get a car loan. Yeah. It sucked. I've been trying to keep my temper under wraps, because it seems lately I have no tolerance for dumbasses. And with my new and improved Dumbass Attractor 2000 XL set on overdrive, I cant seem to get away from them. Dumbasses are surrounding me like the proverbial zombie, mindlessly wandering around, drooling, seeking sustenance.

The zombies have found me. And now they are stalking me.

I had to leave. Seriously.

My daughter and I got in the car and road tripped to my aunts house in Columbus. My uncle has an "uber grill" which he charred up some pork, we played video games and visited with my cousin and her 9 month old little girl. I saw the baby, and aside from the overwhelming urge to chomp on her mega fatty chipmunk cheeks, my ovaries starting hurting.

I know. I know. It was a fleeting ache, but an ache nonetheless.

ANYWAY... Friday was Halloween. I was totally disappointed with it.

Here's why.

Trick or treat. When I was a kid, it was magical. We took off out the door, hit every house on the block (except the witches house of course and don't act like my neighborhood was the only one with a witches house) and when we came home, our parents sorted through the candy, threw out the suspicious ones and then ate until we got a tummy ache. Now, these little bastards walk up to my door, hold out their pillow case and look at me with pure evil until I put something in their bag. No trick or treat. No thank you. Just a"give me some candy bitch and maybe I wont vandalize your car" kind of glare. Some of those ungrateful little spawns of Lucifer even had the nerve to say "I don't want that kind". Suck my ball sack you creeps. You get what I have or you get nothing. Next year, you get raisins. Or better yet, a couple of pennies. Yeah. Fuck you little jerk offs. YOU GET PENNIES. HAHAHAHAHAH. Fuck trick or treaters.

Halloween costumes. I always made my daughters costume, my favorite being Dorothy. She had the blue checkered dress, her hair in pigtails and a little basket with a stuffed dog. I got cheapo tennis shoes and covered them in red glitter, and if I say so myself, she was prettier than the original. What did I get this year? A girl who works at Wendys, dressed up like a chick who works at Wendys, which makes her... how old? Whatever. Buy your own candy, you gotta job ho. I had a group of 3 boys who looked like linebackers who didn't even bother to dress up, a mother and son who just had masks on (which in of itself is fine, except the mom had a bag too, not just walking with the boy, but a BAG... again.. how old are you? Oh I digress...) Every single costume was store bought or nothing at all. Some kids even were talking on the cell phones while trick or treating, so being the

smart ass I am I asked "And what are you supposed to be?" and

without missing a beat the little bastard (I would say was about 8) says "A teenager. Is that an Iphone you got?" Fuck Halloween costumes.

Lazy parents. I am sitting on my porch, passing out candy, chatting with my crew, just clowning around, you know how it is right? So, I'm watching up and down the street, just looking at the kids, hearing their banter, and liking it when I hear "Oh lets go to that house". I notice a red truck going very slowly down the road. Kinda odd. Now remember, my neighborhood doesn't have any sidewalks. The kids play in the street, walk in the street, ride bikes in the street, you get the idea, and everyone in the neighborhood slows down (we can always tell when an "outsider" rolls through because they are driving too fast). Anyway, this red truck is going about 5 mph and as I look, I see a bunch of kids hop out of the bed of the truck, run up to the neighbors house, snag their booty and jump back in the truck. Then I hear "OK GO" and the parent starts off down the road. I was so pissed at that scene that I almost yelled "Keep on going" when they stopped in front of my house. Was it because there is no work and all reward? I think so. Fuck lazy parents.

Honorable mention for this week:

Generic garbage bags. You suck. Fuck you.

One-ply toilet paper. I'm not in prison. Fuck you.

Ramen noodles. You taste like shit and have enough sodium to choke a horse but you're cheap so I have to buy you because lets face it, you cant beat lunch for a dime. Fuck ramen noodles.

Cable TV. You are so expensive and now I have no choice after Feb. Fuck cable TV.

Vote Vickie in 2012

Today is going to suck. Truly and deeply. I forgot to turn my alarm clock off, being Saturday and all, so I get woke the eff up at 6 15 am. On. A. Saturday.

Ok, you say, that's not so bad. Exactly 22 minutes after said alarm goes off, I experienced an intense cramp. In my leg. Fuckity fuck a charlie horse. I haven't had a charlie horse in prolly 15 years. So my half awake, kinda stumblin like I'm drunk ass is pacing the bedroom trying to work out the kink in my lower limb. And it works. For all of 35 seconds. The instant I laid my head on the pillow, it hits again. AGAIN. I fling the covers off and again start pacing around the bedroom.

Again you say, that's still not so bad. Whatever. Loki has been watching me the whole time, as a matter of fact, when the alarm went off at 6 15 he came into the bedroom, curled up at the bottom of the bed, and waited for me to get up and into the shower. This way he can gank the warm spot I leave behind before the other dog gets it. ANYWHO, Loki is watching me walk back and forth around the bed, into the bathroom, and back around the bed trying to ease my screaming muscle ok? Well little dog must think I'm actually getting up because he goes and gets his "little buddy" and drops it on the bed. He wants to play fetch. At 6 51 am. On a Saturday.

My day is going to suck.

I decided to get up. Like always, I put on CNN Headline news while I go about my morning. Getting dressed, brushing my hair and teeth, things of that nature, and I listen to whats going on in the world. CNN doesn't have the biased, twisted standpoints like Fox News, and CNN doesn't have nearly as much silly stories as your local morning TV news shows have.

I know, get the point already.

CNN was talking about the presidential candidates (go fig), and how there are still like 35% of the population that says they are undecided. I'm one of them. Well kinda sorta but not really. I want to vote for myself (or someone like me). Really.

John McCain will not get my vote. Even if my choice was between him and a goat. And I hate goats. I do not agree with his choice for a VP, I do not like his stance on anything, and yes I truly believe that if he was elected, it would be no diff'rent than having W for another term. I think Palin is not right for the job but not because she is inexperienced. I think because she was thrust into this position by a party that is flailing. Miserably.

Barak Obama is more to my liking, but not really. In his speeches, I feel like he is a car salesman, and he should have one of those inflatable arm-flailing tube men behind him while he is screaming "Push it in, tow it in or drag it in. Ill give you 4000.00 for your trade no matter what!! Get down here before 6 and Ill get you in a new car TODAY". Sure he is charming, elegant, well spoken and well mannered, but..maybe just a little TOO much so.

Vickie would be perfect.

I am like everyone else. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, and I sure as shit don't claim my moral character is better than anyone elses.

I have tried marijuana. I have slept with my landlord to pay the rent (and the computer repair guy too) and I'm not embarrassed to say so. I have lied. I have stolen. I had premarital sex, kinky in the alley kinda sex at that, I have used sex as a tool to manipulate. I have drank until I puked, driven under suspension, put the gas bill in the electric bill envelope and vice versa to get a few more days to pay before they cut me off. I have started fights for no reason other than I was pissed off about something I couldn't control and wanted to lash out. I have verbally abused cashiers and customer service reps. I have walked out of the grocery store, forgot to pay for the soda on the bottom of my cart, and NOT gone back in to pay for it. I am not ashamed. I have been divorced, filed bankruptcy and been in foreclosure. My credit rating is in the low 600's, I haven't paid a credit card bill in months, I don't own a car and I currently cohabitate with someone who is not my husband.

The person running against me would have a whole shitload of ammo for a negative campaign. And I guess that I would deserve it. The media would have a field day with all the skeletons they would pull outta my closets and ya know what? That's ok too. Most of that stuff I did years ago and have learned from my mistakes. Seriously, isnt that what life is about anyway?

That being said, why vote for me eh?

I would pull the military out of the middle east. Right now. And take the oil with me. Lets say we are... pirates. Pirate A "invades" your ship. He takes what he wants and leaves. A pirate doesn't invade any ship unless 1) he knows he can win and 2) he gets something for his trouble ie; OIL. America is a pirate. We have proved our point, now take what we want and LEAVE. They don't want us there. Why fight for a country that hates us? Pirates don't care about bragging rights. "Oh we beat Iraq everyone. Go Team." The American people don't care about bragging rights. We want oil so this wont happen again. Remember the 70's?

Abortion is a choice. Plain and simple. If you don't want to have one, great. But don't tell me I cant. Fuck you. I deal with the consequences. Not you. And it should be covered by insurance.

And speaking of health care. It should be for everyone. Period. And that's all I got to say about that.

If an elected official does not show up for senate debates, or committee meetings or whatever else said elected official is supposed to do, he/she should be fired. They can have 80 hours vacation, 40 sick and 40 personal like most normal jobs. There is a campaign ad going around my community that said a certain elected official has not been to a committee meeting in 2 years. 2 fuckin years. And the one meeting he went to, it was to give himself a raise. A nine THOUSAND dollar raise. What would happen if you didn't go to work for 2 years? Hmmm?

I would not spend 60 million dollars to campaign for a job that only pays 400,000 a year. I would take said 60 million and set up a fund for those people who are in foreclosure right now. Bail out the families that are losing their homes.

Welfare is a helping hand, not a lifestyle. My county DHS not only helps with food and cash, but new appliances, gasoline cards, pay for college and/or job training, fix your furnace, weatherize your home, pay your rent, and will not charge you for day care. There are some communities that will give you a new house. A NEW HOUSE. With little or no interest. All because someone didn't know how to use a condom. No wonder welfare is a hard cycle to break. I say give MORE to the parents who are working, help those that are helping themselves.


The president is a leader, not God. I dont expect my president to know everything about everything. Thats what cabinet members are for. Get the right people in place to fix the problems. Is that so hard?

If I was president, that is exactly what I would do.

Friday "Fucket" List

Ya know, I like to bitch. In all reality, who doesn't?

A. Lot. Especially anonymously. Online.

And when I read some of my favorite-ist blogs *waves to LOTD and Princess Pi* I realize that Im not the only one. At some point, even some of the political blogs I enjoy throw in a personal jibjab at someone and/or something that has been long ignored, some injustice that has not been rectified. Religion and its zealots, parents and their evil spawn, teenagers, fast food, tv ads and even our bosses are fair game. I have read blogs about the stupidity of the general population, the latest and most awesome trends, video games, books, card collecting, coupon cutting, crafting, cooking, cake decorating and yes, even knitting. KNITTING for christmas-sake. I have never knitted a effin' thing in my entire life, but I still read it. Everyday even, and only for the simple fact that the author is well-written, knowledgeable and absolutely hilarious.

Seeing that this blog says "All Things Bitchin'" I figured I better start.

Bitchin' that is.

Hummers. Hummers piss me off. And not the "on your knees" hummer either. Im talking about the big, boxy, 2 parking space takin, I cant see over the windshield, gas guzzlin kind. Really GI Joe? Do you need what is essentially a military assault vehicle to do your grocery shopping? Add a turret and a camo paint job and you got SIR YES SIR all the way. Dude, you live in the CITY. There is no jungle to traverse thru to make it to yonder destination 2 clicks north. I promise while it may not make up for the fact your penis is 3 inches long and about as thick as a chopstick, a Focus will be fine, just fine. Fuck hummers.




Disney. Disney used to be the shizzy yo. Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King. Excellent. I am 37 years old, and I still put on my Aladdin DVD while I clean the house just so I can sing along. I bought not one but TWO copies of the Lion King soundtrack as well as Beauty and the Beast along with all its sequels in a box set. For myself. But what has since happened? Everything is High School Musical or Hannah Montana. Eww. Do you mean to tell me that with all the money that flows through that company, as well as the clearly superior talent that works there, they cannot come up with anything better than Hannah Monfuckintana? I hope that the era for well-made cartoon movies has not passed. I hate to think the "golden age" of cartoon movies has made way for the clearly less superior The Simpson's Movie and the albeit funny as shit South Park movie, but c'mon South Park is no Disney. Fuck Disney.

Saturday cartoons. What the fuck happened with that shit? Saturday morning used to be about Looney Tunes and Scooby Doo, SpiderMan and X Men. I even liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for christ sakes. Now we got the New Batman? WTF?? No Bugs, no Daffy, no Sylvester and no Yosemite Sam. What is this world coming to? I watched the networks replace Bugs with Yu Gi Oh. YU GI OH. Get the fuck outta here. What is this shit? I tolerated Saved by the Bell because even tho he was jail bait, Mario Lopez was delicious to look at and it was funny. Like Three's Company funny. I remember grabbing a box of cereal, the gallon of milk, my bowl and spoon, eat like 1/2 a box and totally veg from 8 am til noon when the news came on. That was awesome. Now we get nothing. The powers that be have slowly gotten rid of Saturday cartoons all together. Check it out sometime. Our kids are getting jipped and its a shame. A damn shame. No more Wile E Coyote. Fuck Saturday cartoons.

Honorable mention for today's Fucket List:

Taxes. Fuck em.
Used cars. Fuck em.
NSF fees. Fuck em.
Spongebob Squarepants. Fuck him in his neck.
Movie channels. Fuck em.
Smokers who cant afford their habit. Fuck em. All day long.

10.00 Challenge my ass

I'm totally veggin' out in front of the TV tonight, eating Nutella straight from the jar and watching reruns of Family Guy. Rocking evening if I say so myself.


When it happened. The most horrible thing I could have ever imagined on regular TV.


I was eye-raped by KFC.


Some yahoo ad agency thought that by insulting my intelligence, they could sell more chicken. Listen buddy, even a fat girl who loves her some chicken, wont buy into your logic if you insult her. By her, of course I mean an anonymous slightly overweight girl I have never seen before. Of course.


Have you seen the commercial with the claim that we cannot make a fried chicken meal for 10 bucks?


Seriously.


Dude, I'm a single parent. Not only can I make a fried chicken dinner, with REAL mashed potatoes and 4 biscuits, mine will be hot. And fresh. I bet you another said 10 dollars I can also get dessert in that budget as well. Asshole.


Let me explain how. They are advertising 7 pieces of chicken, potatoes and biscuits. We are going to need :


chicken (4 drumsticks .79 lb and 3 thighs .99 lb and lets assume its a pound each)

Flour ( 1.79 5lb bag, and assume we need 1/4 pound and flour is .39 lb divided by 4 so about .09)

11 herbs and spices (while I obviously do not know exactly which ones, I think it is safe to assume that to season 1/4 pound of flour we are talking about grams worth of spice, and even with 11 grams it is still less than a quarter)

oil to cook said chicken (deep fried, 2 cups and 2.59 for 48 oz is .05 per oz, 2 cups is 16 oz so oil is .80)



potatoes (large side at KFC is about 2 potatoes worth, but for argument sake, 1 lb and a 10 lb bag is on sale right now at Fligners for 2.99 so 1 lb is .29)

a couple tablespoons milk and butter (lets say .25 for milk and .30 butter)

salt (.02 really.. a whole container is like .24)



biscuits (ill use bisquick for this example, 1 cup and the whole box is 2.99 so a cup would be about .40)

milk for biscuits (takes 1/4 cup, so lets say .42)



add this up and what do we got?



Four mother fuckin dollars and 60 cents... that's right.



Include energy cost and time, we are still under 10 bucks. And I can get dessert too, the local store has salad for .99 for 12 ounces, and a Sarah Lee layer cake for 2.99.



I do want to point out I did not include gravy with this scenario. There is 2 reasons for this. A) KFC gravy is not real gravy, but a mix (which is about .33 at Aldi's so there) and B) good mashed dont need no gravy. What.


Now bitches.



Is there any love in KFC? Nope. Is there any quality in KFC? Nope. Does KFC make your chicken fresh and to order? Nope it sits under a heat lamp and the potatoes sit in a steam table. Do you have to deal with some kid who has a chip on their shoulder, pissed off they have to work because mommy wont pay for their cell phone anymore who probably picks his nose before doling out your food in a paper bag? Nope. My food is booger free and comes on a plate (sure its a paper plate but my teenager hates doing the dishes).



Vickies chicken is hot from the oil. Biscuits straight from the oven, all steamy and fluffy and I bet I got some left over butter for them too. You get a salad with my chicken dinner, my mashed potatoes are real and you get cake. CAKE. And if I'm feeling generous, I bet I could eek out some kool-aid too. What is the cost of kool-aid yo? Like .04 a glass? I get 2 quarts worth which means you get seconds. You dont get no drinks at KFC. Nothing.



Poop on KFC. I spit on you. And really, the local quickie-mart has better chicken. They do 12 pieces with 18 jo-jo's and a 2 liter for 11.99. Eff KFC.

You are my cuppy cake

Wazzup peeps? For those not familiar, today is Sweetest Day, or as my S.O. likes to say "A Hallmark Holiday". Sweetest Day is the red-neck equivalent to Valentines Day, and yes, it comes with heart shaped candy boxes, flowers, cards and teddy bears with I *heart* you on the tummy tum tum.

Observed the 3rd Saturday in the month of October, Sweetest Day observance originated in Cleveland in 1922. Herbert Birch Kingston, a philanthropist and candy company employee wanted to bring happiness into the lives of orphans, shut-ins and others who were forgotten. With the help of friends, he began to distribute candy and small gifts to the underprivileged.

Primarily a regional observance celebrated in the Great Lakes region and the Northeast, Sweetest Day is gradually spreading to other areas of the country. People tend to take the Sweetest Day tradition with them when they move. Ohio is the top state for Sweetest Day sales, followed by Michigan and Illinois. Texas, California and Florida are among the top 10 states in sales.

Hey, you learned something today!! Anywho, since its not a "real" holiday and I/we don't really celebrate Valentines Day either, I didn't really want to do the whole candy and card thing. I am not a flower-type person (IMO they are a waste of money), I do like candy, but eh... no biggie. However, I was in the mood to bake so I hit the grocery store.

Wandering the isles, desperate for inspiration, I found strawberry cake mix. Now, those that are familiar, know I'm not big into artificial flavored anything, and kinda turn my fat pudgy nose up at cake mixes. I. Am. A. Purist. Take the time and bake that shit from scratch yo. Be creative. If you are going to take the time to bake for your family, make it yummy. Cake mixes (to me) say "Ya know, I love you but just long enough to throw some shit together and because it is a thoroughly manufactured product, even if I don't follow the directions, it will still be edible".

Now I know some of you are saying "Vickie, mixes are convenient. Mixes give me baked goods without all the babysitting and half the mess". Perhaps you are saying "Bitch get off your high-horse. Who the eff do you think you are? My cakes are good ho" and that's fine for you. I don't like hydroponic anything, hothouse is a joke and why pay good money to a grocery store bakery that is just using the same mix off the shelf and charging triple the price??

I don't get it.

Oh but I digress....

Back to the strawberry cake mix. Sweetest Day is romance-y. Romance is flower-y. Flowers are pink-y. Strawberry cake mix makes pink cake. And it kinda sorta should theoretically taste like strawberry and since strawberries are out of season, I thought "cool." So I bought the mix and baked me up a mess o cuppy cakes.

I also decorated the bejeezes outta them. Oh me and my creative streaks. I am a cuppycake goddess!

Aren't they freakin cute??

I rock!!

Holla peeps

What's a-goin' on?

I have been totally uber-busy with life in general and have kinda sorta neglected my web duties. My neopet is dying, my Texas hold 'em team is losing and my myspace friends think I'm a recluse. Good thing I am not 'cyber-married' because I would be in the cyber-divorce court as we speak, chatting about how we are going to divide our cyber-belongings and visitation with the cyber-children. You laugh but I speak the truth.

Really.

I have been absorbed with my ongoing love affair with food. Any kind, any flavor, any texture. My name is the first one on the list for the potlucks, family get togethers and bar-b-ques. I always bite off more than I can chew (literally and figuratively..wow that works on 2 levels.. rock on) but always come out smelling like _______ (insert your favorite yummy goodness; ie bacon). Thanksgiving is always at my house, as is Christmas dinner, Easter brunch, Halloween spookfests, teen age sleepovers, the Annual Amateur Porn Review Classic and all the summer bar-b-ques are catered by moi.

Every year.

No exception.

I make a mean spread yo. Momma ain't fat for no reason.

That being said, there was a sign up sheet for a potluck at work, and OH MY GAWD they asked for cupcakes.

A potluck sign up sheet to me is like a port a potty to George Michael.

Irresistible. And no matter how many times I am told to leave it alone.. I cant quit it.

The cupcakes consumed me like an all encompassing swarm of bees buzzing around in my brain. I dreamt about these cupcakes. I doodled these cupcakes, spent hours searching google for just the right picture, and bought every magazine I could get my hands on with Halloween themed treats HOPING to find just the right one.

I found them.

Yes them. I couldn't decide on just one type. Pshaw you mere mortal!! I am Vickie. I am not happy unless I have not only volunteered to make a dish, but several dishes. And dessert. And bring the drinks. And decorate. Send e-mails to all involved, coordinate the buffet table and clean up the mess. Maybe I should be a caterer? This way I can control it all.

Everything.

Under my control. *wringing hands sinisterly*

I wonder if there is a disease or condition I suffer from? Obsessive perhaps? I'm not sure, that is a google search for another day.

So my beloved offspring said she would help, and this is what we came up with.

The spider is devil's food and the ghost is red velvet. Ain't they freakin cute??



The icing on the spiders took an entire bottle of icing color. Not quite as thin as normal egg food coloring, but way intense. It stains everything it comes into contact with, whether it be clothes, my kitchen table, your teeth or your skin.

This started out because she got some icing on her finger. When she realized how dark it turned her tongue, she then decided to drop a rather large dollop in her mouth. You can't tell from the picture, but it turned her teeth and gums a horrendous gray-ish mottled color.

The next batch of cupcakes were the red velvet ones, and as she was licking the beaters, the bowl and the spatula, she noticed her tongue was turning red too.

Here is close up of just the ghost. At the potluck I put up a sign that said "BEWARE SPIDERS WILL STAIN YOUR TEETH YOUR CLOTHES AND ANYTHING ELSE IT TOUCHES YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED" because I didn't want anyone bitchin' at me if they spilled icing and it stained their clothes, or if they had gray teeth the rest of the day. I think it scared everyone because no one wanted to eat them, every single person wanted to take them home.

Now all of a sudden, like 6 people came up to me and said "Hey can you make me a cake?" As if.

But again, my mouth spoke before my brain could catch up and next thing I know, I got 3 emails in my inbox asking for specs on price and style.

Eff me in the A.

I'm no Chef Duff. I'm not Martha Stewart. I'm not even RoseAnn Barr circa 1984. What the hecks am I gonna do?

Crap. The buzzing is back.

Must google soccer cake.

Must google.

Must.

M.....

Oh if I was a drinker..

Today work sucked. Busy as all hell.. a little cold weather and the general public goes freakin' crazy!! I swear, if I hear just one more time "Its supposed to be gittin cold" I am gonna suplex someone off the top rope!!

I don't know if any of yous have seen the show Dexter? Dexter is a blood spatter analyst, working for the Miami police department, respected on the force, and has a great girlfriend. Dexter is also a serial killer. Torture them, chop them up, then dump the pieces in the water type of killer. Whats cool is he only kills bad guys. Criminals. I suppose Ma and Pa Kettle have issues with violence, but I kind of cheer him on. He is a modern day Robin Hood, a vigilante taking revenge on the evils of society. And so what if he cuts em up? I say have at it. The people he goes after are killers, drug dealers, rapists, who would do nothing but suck the resources out of the system I pay for. Let him. It satisfies his need to kill, it cleanses the planet of these human diseases and it costs me NOTHING... oh again, I digress... The show is a series on Showtime, but has since been picked up by the mainstream tv audience. I haven't watched this on regular tv (meaning non-cable) because I know they are going to have to edit the snot out of it.

At the end of the episode I watched last night, a group of cops went to a bar. Now I haven't been to a bar in years. Literally. Say... 15 years...and I wouldn't even have an inkling on what to order. Traditionally I have been a Jack kinda gal... I used to like my liquor quick, hot and to the point. Burn on the way down, cloud my brain and allow me to do stupid things, like let an epileptic with no license drive my car with me puking in the backseat... oh those were the days.

Nowadays I am a bit more mellow, enjoying the occasional margarita at the cliche Mexican restaurant, or a glass of red wine at the uber-cliche Italian restaurant whose name rhymes with Smolive Barden. I think I would prefer more cocktails, or even the fancy shot drinks. Remember the fuzzy navel or sex on the beach? I found some much more interesting ones and while the names were extremely creative, I'm not so sure on the flavor.

Open Wound

everclear

a dash of tabasco

olive

Purple Jesus

vodka with grape kool-aid

Retards Blend

the recipe doesnt list everything, just vodka, whiskey, and tequila.. I guess your a retard if you drink it

Afterbirth

1 part Raspberry Schnapps

1 part Grenadine

1 part Baileys

add baileys last, when it curdles, slam it

Mind Eraser

Equals parts Kaluha and Vodka with a shot of soda

Nutty Irishman

Frangelico, Whiskey and Baileys

equal parts

Evil Smurf

4 cups vodka

2 cups blue raspberry slushie mix

1 20 container blue gatorade

Ice

mix until its a slushy

Redheaded Sluts

cranberry juice, jager and peach schnapps

Pink Panty Dropper

strawberry vokda, pink grapefruit juice and club soda

Snot Rocket

Apple brandy

sour apple pucker

lime vodka

Rubber Duckie

vodka, orange juice and a splash of sprite

Rusty scrotum

2 parts tequila, one part lime juice

Milk Dud

dark chocolate Godiva and caramel vodka

You got any good ones?

Bad tats are wiggity wiggity wiggity wacked

Sup peeps! I was websurfing today on my lunch break, catching up on my favorite blogs, reading my local paper online and just general wasting-timedness while munching on my lunch and for whatever reason ended up Googlin' "bad tats".

In the spirit of my most favorite-ist blog, the one that made me want to blog in the first place, I have compiled a list for you all to enjoy while you too peruse the web today.

Thanks for the inspiration List of the Day!! Your blog is well planned and thought out, my blog is more like... a haphazard array of... impertinent ruminations. I, one day hope to attain your level of splendor.

HAHAHAHAAH Gotta love http://thesaurus.com/ !!

***beware**

some of these pictures are not safe for work

some I am sure you have seen before

***beware***

you have got to be kidding me? I seriously want 2 unicorns effing on my back? what a douche

Maybe you shouldn't give the tattoo gun to a 10 year old who is exploring their sexuality eh?

I don't even have a smart ass comment for this one

Was is worth 10 grand? I tend to think not so much

How sweet. Your face on another dude's ass. If that doesn't scream homo, I don't know what does

This one just creeps me out on a whole other level

Really. It isn't.

The movie sucked just as bad

Are you trying to tell me something? The least you can do is manicure that fugly toenail.

Kinda cool. Kinda gross. I think its the jumbo nips on his ass cheeks.

I'm here to pick up your daughter, take her to the dance, and then terrify her beyond the boundaries of sanity.

I just want to know how he stayed still. Oh and who shaved his crack.

Now this make me want to date you.

Friends don't let untalented drunks tattoo them

Even in 1989 this wasn't cool.


Ah yes. The classic.