Bend over and take it, that is your only option

The return of the Fucket List

2009-11-21T14:28:00.008-05:00

I have gotten a BUNCH of emails asking where the fucket list has gone. It hasn't gone anywhere, I have just been in a funk. Money, the S.O., paying for my daughters college books and tuition myself, her boyfriend, my car, my job, and the realization of my own mortality has made me... funky.

BUT rest assured friends in all corners of the planet (which is a bizarre phrase in of itself because our planet is ROUND hence no corners... ) the fucket list is alive and well.

With that preface, I will now give a fucket list...

Fuck the general public. You are mindless drones with no sense, common or otherwise. I watch the Jay Leno show every night. I *heart* Jay effin Leno. ANYWAY, he has various segments where he goes on the street and asks basic questions to see what people answer. For example "What language to they speak in Canada?" My answer was English and French. Correct. Someone said Canadian. Someone else said Canadianese. Seriously. CANADIANESE? You have got to be kidding me. How about the broad that called 911 because McDonald's ran out

of chicken mcnuggets? Or the dumb ass that cut in line at a Wal-mart and assaulted the police officer who was called to calm down the situation after a fight broke out between her and whoever she cut in front of. She is NOW suing the police department because she claims she was targeted by the police based on her race. Holy STOP WITH THE RACE CARD Batman! When does it end? The boys that set another boy ON FIRE over a bike? The mom that posed as a teenager on myspace and tormented another teenager online SO BAD that poor girl committed suicide? Fuck the general public.

Fuck the dumb females. When did it become trendy to be an airhead? The playmates on the Girls Next Door, the Kardashian sisters, the actresses on The Hills and/or Gossip Girls (the two shows are pretty much interchangeable) up to and including the girl that I work with who looks like she just rolled out of bed every single day... are all airheads. Don't even mention Kerrie Prejean and her amazing ability to not only put her foot in her mouth, but take it up her ass too. I don't watch TGND, the Kardashians, Gossip Girl OR the Hills, but from simply watching the commercials, I am convinced they are airheads. As far as Rumpled-hairskin from my job, how she manages to get into the building every day a) in one piece and b) on time is beyond me. Be strong. Be confident. Don't be an airhead. Fuck airheads.

Fuck highway drivers. You cut me off just to put your brakes on. Are you in so much of a hurry one car length is going to get your there that much faster? Why do I want to slam into the back of your car anyway and say fuck the ticket? Oh that would teach ya wouldn't it? Cut me off next time so you can hurry up to get to the same red light and watch me. I have full coverage insurance. I have accident forgiveness. Some days I think the punishment is absolutely worth the crime. You wanna take a chance the next time you cut me off?? You feel lucky? Fucker?

Fuck Charter One Bank. I went to you because you were close. Your counter people were pleasant enough, knowledgeable and efficient. But then you moved. Now the closest Charter One is half an hour away. Ok fine, we stayed. Its kind of out of the way, but I can swing by after work and bank by ATM. Now you send me policy changes and what do I see now? Fees? Check fees? ATM fees? NSF fees? HOLD THE FUCK UP! How much are you charging? 39.00 NSF for .10 ? The account was overdrawn for 4 hours ??? And all you can say is " we do not remove NSF fees unless it is a bank error"? Get the fuck outta here. Chase bank is close by. So is National City. Better yet, my company has a credit union. Fuck Charter One.

Honorable mention for this week:

Drama Queens. Every week you are crying about something. No one, anywhere, has that much shit wrong in their life every single day. Get a backbone. Stop being dramatic. Sack up and stop being a pussy. Fuck Drama Queens.

Early Christmas decorators. It is not even thanksgiving yet, put your god damn Christmas lights away. Fuck you.

Facebook spammers. Stop hogging up my wall. Fuck facebook spammers. And by the way, if I don't speak to you in real life, the only reason I am your facebook friend is for Mafia Wars, or some other game I need "neighbors". I still think your a douche, hence the reason I don't talk to you. Again, I say Fuck you.

Where oh where has my government gone?

2009-09-26T21:21:00.007-04:00

Or better yet.. what the fuck has happened to my fellow countrymen?

I don't like the whole "government is out to get me", "the feds are wiretapping my phone", "the government is trying to take away my freedom" thing.. but if that is your view.. I understand and you my friend are more than entitled to that opinion. I respect your opinion, I respect your personal right to have that opinion and that is all I got to say about that.

What I am NOT understanding is why do Americans go from one extreme to the other? I read a story online about a woman, who allows her 16 year old daughter to have a 24 year old boyfriend. Said boyfriend also LIVES WITH mom and the 16 year old. Mom KNOWS the two are having "adult relations". OK.. follow me so far? Now, daughter and boyfriend BOTH decide to tape a love making session. No copies were made, it was not posted on Youtube, it was not made public at all and daughter admits wholeheartedly she was aware she was being taped and CONSENTED to said taping. Still follow? Mom is ok with 16 year old dating 24 year old and they all live under the same roof. Mom knows they are fucking. SO, mom comes across this video. Now she is charging the boyfriend with rape. RAPE! Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

What is wrong with this picture?

Lets touch on prayer in school. Everyday when I was in the 5th grade, my teacher Mr Jackson had us say the pledge of allegiance and asked that we bow our head. He would mumble something to whatever deity he believed in asking him/her/it to open our minds to whatever we were learning about that day. He also said if you do NOT want to pray, just stand silently while those that want to.. do. How fucking easy is that? I didn't pray. I usually looked at the book study guide for the test we were going to get. Or flip glance through my notes. Or look at the totally dreamy hair of whatever boy I was lusting after that week. My parents didn't care. I don't even think I ever told them. I guess I didn't see the big flippin' deal. Why do all these parents get bothered over that? Isn't there more important things to champion? Why not press for better background checks for school workers? Why not make sure the teachers are getting the supplies they need? Or getting the updated training to keep up with the pace of today? Or about getting the students the tools they need to succeed? The parents sure don't mind when the churches donate art supplies, or volunteer at that football games now do they? If the student does not want to participate in the prayer, they don't have to. But shouldn't they respect the rights of those that do? When I go to a banquet and they call for a prayer or a blessing.. I do NOT participate. I sit silently while those that want to... do. When I go to funeral, and they call for a prayer, I don't pray. But I do not stop those that want to from doing so. I don't go to church, but who am I to tell you that you cannot?

Why do people only vote democrat? Or republican? Why do I need a label? The person we elect to run our country should be voted into office because of what he can do. NOT because of the party he is affiliated with. EVERYTHING is the ENTIRE GOVERNMENT should be BIPARTISAN. There are things that are important and things that are not. There are things that are COMMON SENSE and it should be not under debate.

For instance.. child protection. Raping a child is wrong. Abusing a child is wrong. There should be no debate about this subject at all. There should be no "gray areas". You blacken the eye of a child, you deserve jail. You rape a child, you deserve jail. If you do not take care of your child, you should not have one. Give that child to someone who will take care of it. Done deal. Whats to debate?

Abortion is the woman's choice. Not religions. Not the governments. Not the politicians. Not societies. That is a woman's choice. Plain and simple. She lives the with consequences. Not you. Pray to your god about the soul of the baby that never was if you feel that is necessary. I sure wont stop you. Does abortion count as abuse as I have heard it argued? Not to me. That is your choice and God damn if that isn't the basis of our entire country.

Why the soap box today you ask? I was innocently watching TV this morning, when my S.O. brought up a story he received about a school changing the words of "Jesus loves the little children" to "Obama loves the little children" and is teaching them to sing that version.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Where is the parental outrage? Why are there no protests outside... parents waving signs saying " KEEP YOUR OPINION OUT OF OUR SCHOOLS" or "SCHOOL IS NOT THE PLACE FOR GOVERNMENT PROPAGANDA". I just don't get it.

Why aren't the churches up in robes about that? Are the confessionals full of teachers and administrators begging forgiveness for slandering a beloved Sunday school song and bending it to the fit the school's definition of separating church and schools? There is no place in the school for religion but its ok if we replace Jesus with Obama.

Why not Satan loves the little children? Or Manson? I'm sure that crazy sum bitch LOVES children.

Why not For Obama so loved the world he gave his only.. no wait. That wont work.

Will Depeche Mode change the words to "Personal Obama"?

Will they sing about Little Lord Obama laying down his sweet head?

Government needs to be run like a business. When a business is failing, what does it do? Cuts back on spending, stops the bonuses, combine departments, downsize. Why doesn't the government downsize? How many interns do they need? How many assistants are necessary? Do they really need personalized stationary? Do the lights need to be on all the time? Does every person in the building need a copy of the bill? Cant they do it electronically?

Why not stop importing stuff and open the factories back up? Bring the jobs BACK to America and tell China and Japan, while we appreciate your cars, toys and domestic goods, we need to get Americans back on the job. If Americans have jobs, Americans will spend money. Then the other businesses will start turning a profit because we will be consuming more goods. They can afford their houses again, they can stop with the foreclosures and it will snowball from there.

See? This is why I should be president.

Im totally in love

2008-11-15T00:15:00.032-05:00

With food.

So much so that I am a dedicated follower of the Fabulous Food Show held a the IX Center in Cleveland every November.

I said a FOOD SHOW. Not a Star Trek convention, Craft Fair, Festival go-er...no no nothing cool like that. I am a fat girl traipsing around a convention center with TONS of other fat people to sample food, watch food being prepared, watch demonstrations on gadgets to make food preparation better, drink wine and spirits to enhance my food experience . There was even a light emitting teeth whitening booth offering 10 min sessions to remove the stains that said food and wine may cause.

Holy Free Sample Batman I am in heaven. Is this NOT a wet dream of every fat person out there? If you google "fabulous food show" you can see what I am talking about. You can taste foods from local and not so local restaurants, big factory foods were represented like Land O' Lakes and Orlando bread. There were lots of artisan food companies specializing in everything from chocolates and cookies, to bar b que sauces and dips. We sampled pasta sauces, jellies made from wine (burgundy and zinfandel), cheeses, cookies and sausages.

The first year we went, we saw Alton Brown who is by far my favorite Food Network personality. He has a couple of shows, Good Eats and Feastin' on Asphalt I/II (and most recently Feastin' on Waves) as well as the host of Iron Chef. If you have not seen his show Good Eats, I promise you will not be disappointed. His knowledge of food is unmatched by even his holiness Emeril, his humor is on point and my S.O. is convinced he was a pothead in his early years.

The next year, we saw Paula Deen. Honestly, she is exactly the same live as she is on her show Paula's Home Cooking and Paula's Party. I am not even kidding when I say we think she was hittin' the wine bar before her show. Her husband Michael is also a big part of her shows now and he was there, doing the cooking. Paula was totally working the crowd and I don't think she did so much as cut up the ciabatta bread that her appetizer was going on. Her pumpkin pie is the only recipe I use, it is fab u lous.

The third year we saw Alton again. I told you he is my favorite. I sprang for the little bit more expensive seating (up to this point I only had bleacher seats) and got a floor seat. Not so good and Ill tell you why. I am not the tallest person in the world and when everyone stands, I cant see anything but the back of the people in front of me. Even when sitting, I have a hard time seeing the stage. As a matter of fact, I liked the bleacher seats better even though I was farther away, if only for the simple fact that I could see beyond the heads in front of me. Anywho, Alton was demonstrating chocolate taffy (his version of a tootsie roll) and was throwing samples out to the crowd. Of course, the really really good seats are the ones that got them. When he called for questions, no one came to the bleacher seats, when the roving camera was .. well roving.. no one came to the bleacher seats. I made a vow right then and there I would spring for the best seats if I was ever going to see Alton again.

This year we saw Guy Fieri. If you have never heard of him, he was a winner on the Food Network's answer to the reality show craze "The Next Food Network Star" as well as the "food dude" on the TGIF commercials. The winner of the show of course getting a contract with Food Network for your own cooking show. How freakin' awesome would that be? Now he is totally hit the big time, owning 5 restaurants on the west coast, spokesperson for TGI Fridays, and has 3 cooking shows (Guy's Big Bite, Diners, Drive Ins and Dives and Guy Off the Hook).

I also had FRONT ROW seats...right in front of the stage front row. Not off to the side, or tucked in a corner. FRONT EFFIN ROW. Totally worth it and yes, next year I will also have right in front of the stage and in the front row.

So instead of bitchin' this week, I thought I would share just a few of the pictures I took.

This is for a local restaurant, that happens to be owned and operated by a former Cleveland Brown football player. Bubba was getting interviewed by a local television station as we were getting our samples. I didn't want to seem star struck so I didn't ask for a picture with the interviewer, but he is cutie on our local Fox 8 morning show. Oh and the sauce was pretty good, but a little on the vinegary side for me. S.O. liked the hot style the best.

This company is another locally owned business that sells a sweet blackened sauce, that is excellent on both chicken and beef. I bought 3 bottles as well as the dry rub version. Last year we only bought 2 and sure was missing it when we ran out. It is better than A1 or Heinz 57 (which is my fav but not anymore) on steak.

I am a total popcorn nutjob. I like it any way I can get it, whether it be cheese, caramel or butter and salt. When I was kid, I remember getting a fruity-flavored candied popcorn and low and behold, here it is. You know I bought some, but it didn't make it home. I ate the whole bag in the car!

This my secret to my most awesome food stuffs. This is Sorcerer Seasonings, a local company, who smokes their spices. Hickory smoked no less, so no matter what you cook, there is a touch of smokey bacon-y goodness. I bought it the first time we went to the show, and have used this booth in particular as an "excuse" to go back because I need to.. you know, stock up. Last year I tried the smoked paprika, which is my why paprikas is the best. Seriously, even Paula Deen ain't got nothin' on me when it comes to paprikas! (my picture didn't come out well, hence the ad pic, sorry)

This booth was all about sausage. Pork, chicken, beef... I cant even begin to describe what kind of smells were wafting from this little tiny booth. The lighter lookin' sausage is chicken, with spinach, roasted tomatoes and feta and oh my god it was delicious, so much so I bought some of that as well. And I don't even like feta cheese. At all. Not even a little bit. That along with an asiago and onion cheese spread (we bought at that booth too) thats going to go on a big ole honkin loaf of French bread and under the broiler. Totally yum. We will be having it for dinner on Sunday. Prolly add a mescaline salad with hard boiled eggs. Yummy!

There were so many booths of cookies, biscotti, and cookie dough!

Can you see how close I am to the stage? Oh my god it was AWESOME.. and he is just as cute in person...

These two are true Guy fans. Who would of thought TV cooks would be so popular people dress like them?

So that was my day. I seriously am already planning next year.

Seriously.

Again with the "not quite" Fucket list

2008-11-08T20:11:00.011-05:00

In the words of my favorite comedian (and my next baby daddy) Katt Williams I say fuck it. When you adopt the "fuck it" attitude, you tend to not let shit get to you. You know, go with the flow. Let it roll.

Theoretically.

But sometimes that fuck it attitude can be your downfall.

For instance:

The Republican party said fuck it when they added Palin to the ticket. What in the world were they thinking? Ill tell ya what "Hey guys, Hillary was doing pretty good so lets get a female so all the uneducated women who would have voted for Hillary will now vote for McCain" Well guess what, women are no longer stuck in the kitchen you buncha ungrateful ass raping donkey fuckers. From what CNN is reporting today she doesn't know what countries are part of NAFTA. Does she know what NAFTA stands for? And by stand for I don't mean what it accomplishes.. I mean LITERALLY what it stands for???? I may not know what exactly was decided at the Geneva Convention, who the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is, the colors of the Kenyan flag or why my panties get all wet when I hear a man speak with a New Zealand accent, but I DO know what NAFTA stands for. And this broad has already said she is considering running for president in 2012? The fuck it didn't work out so well now did it? Fuck Sarah Palin.

MTV. What the fuck happened since, oh I don't know, 1990? Sure some of the shows were kinda cool. Spring break and that comical game show revolving around music and artists... I think it was called Remote Control? OK I can handle that. I was getting a little older, had a baby and a husband, a household to maintain. I couldn't watch videos all night like I did in high school. But then....you went and did it. Road rules. What is with that garbage? MTV you are solely responsible for TV programmings equivalent of jumping the shark and you don't even play videos any more. If I want to see videos, I have to find MTV2 and my cable company keeps moving the channel anyway because MTV 2 sucks what my dog pukes on the kitchen floor. What the fuck is that shit? VH1 is no better. All they show are countdowns, Flava Flav and Who Wants to Sleep with the Next 80's has-been? Fuck both VH1 and MTV.

Cable TV. Cable was on my honorable mention list last week, but they have officially been upgraded. I have DVR. DVR is very handy. My S.O. plans out his entire week of viewing via the DVR box, things he likes to watch, things he might like to watch, and yes even shit he has no idea what it is about but god forbid he misses it. Fine. I get it. I can't even watch regular TV anymore, because I automatically try to fast forward every time a commercial comes on. So, lately it seems that when a show is recorded from 9 - 9 30, the network shows it from 8 59 to 9 31 and I miss the last minute. So what you say. Its just a minute. I say fuck you. I am missing the last joke of the show on My Name is Earl, the last tidbit of information on Good Eats and the "where are they now" segment of Snapped. If it wasn't for the simple fact that I have come to loathe live TV I would cancel DVR right now. And of course I forget to adjust my record time, so I STILL miss the final little bit on every freaking show I like. Seriously FUCK cable TV.

Metallica and all their little "downloaders are stealing" buddies. Downloading your music and burning my own fucking discs is no different now than back in the day when I would wait with the cassette on pause till the song came on the radio,take it off pause and record it, then make copies for all my friends. I did it in 1986 when I didn't get the CD I wanted for Christmas but got a nifty little cassette recorder and have been doing it ever since. But since it bothers you so much, I wont download your music. Better yet, why don't I just not buy your music at all? Or your shirts, your DVD's, your concert tickets and your action figures? There are plenty of bands who 1) play wayyyy better music 2) want me to download their music and 3) aren't douches. Why? Because I will then tell my friends how awesome they sound and hey, lets go check out their concert. LOOKIE here, Tshirts... gotta have em... ooohhh CD's of their older shit.. SWEET... and OH MY GAWD action figures....HAHAHAH Fuck Metallica.

Honorable mention for this week:

Fall leaves. Pretty yes, but there are freaking everywhere. Stuck to my shoes, on my deck, in the driveway, covering my recently acquired vehicle (that's another blog). My rake is broke and no I haven't gotten another one. I would rather bitch about the fact that leaves are everywhere I look and now its fucking raining. Great. Fuck autumn leaves.

The price of American cheese. American fucking cheese is 7.49 a pound at my local deli. Are you kidding me? Fine. Whatever. I love American cheese. I guess Ill shell out almost 8 bucks for a pound. What choice do I have? I want it. Bitch slice that shit THIN THIN THIN so I can make it stretch. Yea yea I know, but I can't afford Virginia ham now. Give me the 2.49 ham like product. Hell Swiss cheese (which is a very tasty second) is only 5.99. Fuck American cheese.

Wii. You have an exercise game? Really? Like Dance Dance Revolution is not enough of a gut buster? I already feel like a blubber butt trying to keep up on your easy level and now you are pushing aerobics down my fatter than the average American throat? Fuck the Wii (but please Santa, bring me one anyway, the graphics are superior and I really want to play Zelda).

My "not quite Friday" Fucket List

2008-11-02T20:14:00.006-05:00

I'm sorry.

I got busy. I've been jumpin' through hoops trying to get a car loan. Yeah. It sucked. I've been trying to keep my temper under wraps, because it seems lately I have no tolerance for dumbasses. And with my new and improved Dumbass Attractor 2000 XL set on overdrive, I cant seem to get away from them. Dumbasses are surrounding me like the proverbial zombie, mindlessly wandering around, drooling, seeking sustenance.

The zombies have found me. And now they are stalking me.

I had to leave. Seriously.

My daughter and I got in the car and road tripped to my aunts house in Columbus. My uncle has an "uber grill" which he charred up some pork, we played video games and visited with my cousin and her 9 month old little girl. I saw the baby, and aside from the overwhelming urge to chomp on her mega fatty chipmunk cheeks, my ovaries starting hurting.

I know. I know. It was a fleeting ache, but an ache nonetheless.

ANYWAY... Friday was Halloween. I was totally disappointed with it.

Here's why.

Trick or treat. When I was a kid, it was magical. We took off out the door, hit every house on the block (except the witches house of course and don't act like my neighborhood was the only one with a witches house) and when we came home, our parents sorted through the candy, threw out the suspicious ones and then ate until we got a tummy ache. Now, these little bastards walk up to my door, hold out their pillow case and look at me with pure evil until I put something in their bag. No trick or treat. No thank you. Just a"give me some candy bitch and maybe I wont vandalize your car" kind of glare. Some of those ungrateful little spawns of Lucifer even had the nerve to say "I don't want that kind". Suck my ball sack you creeps. You get what I have or you get nothing. Next year, you get raisins. Or better yet, a couple of pennies. Yeah. Fuck you little jerk offs. YOU GET PENNIES. HAHAHAHAHAH. Fuck trick or treaters.

Halloween costumes. I always made my daughters costume, my favorite being Dorothy. She had the blue checkered dress, her hair in pigtails and a little basket with a stuffed dog. I got cheapo tennis shoes and covered them in red glitter, and if I say so myself, she was prettier than the original. What did I get this year? A girl who works at Wendys, dressed up like a chick who works at Wendys, which makes her... how old? Whatever. Buy your own candy, you gotta job ho. I had a group of 3 boys who looked like linebackers who didn't even bother to dress up, a mother and son who just had masks on (which in of itself is fine, except the mom had a bag too, not just walking with the boy, but a BAG... again.. how old are you? Oh I digress...) Every single costume was store bought or nothing at all. Some kids even were talking on the cell phones while trick or treating, so being the

smart ass I am I asked "And what are you supposed to be?" and

without missing a beat the little bastard (I would say was about 8) says "A teenager. Is that an Iphone you got?" Fuck Halloween costumes.

Lazy parents. I am sitting on my porch, passing out candy, chatting with my crew, just clowning around, you know how it is right? So, I'm watching up and down the street, just looking at the kids, hearing their banter, and liking it when I hear "Oh lets go to that house". I notice a red truck going very slowly down the road. Kinda odd. Now remember, my neighborhood doesn't have any sidewalks. The kids play in the street, walk in the street, ride bikes in the street, you get the idea, and everyone in the neighborhood slows down (we can always tell when an "outsider" rolls through because they are driving too fast). Anyway, this red truck is going about 5 mph and as I look, I see a bunch of kids hop out of the bed of the truck, run up to the neighbors house, snag their booty and jump back in the truck. Then I hear "OK GO" and the parent starts off down the road. I was so pissed at that scene that I almost yelled "Keep on going" when they stopped in front of my house. Was it because there is no work and all reward? I think so. Fuck lazy parents.

Honorable mention for this week:

Generic garbage bags. You suck. Fuck you.

One-ply toilet paper. I'm not in prison. Fuck you.

Ramen noodles. You taste like shit and have enough sodium to choke a horse but you're cheap so I have to buy you because lets face it, you cant beat lunch for a dime. Fuck ramen noodles.

Cable TV. You are so expensive and now I have no choice after Feb. Fuck cable TV.

Vote Vickie in 2012

2008-10-25T08:19:00.004-04:00

Today is going to suck. Truly and deeply. I forgot to turn my alarm clock off, being Saturday and all, so I get woke the eff up at 6 15 am. On. A. Saturday.

Ok, you say, that's not so bad. Exactly 22 minutes after said alarm goes off, I experienced an intense cramp. In my leg. Fuckity fuck a charlie horse. I haven't had a charlie horse in prolly 15 years. So my half awake, kinda stumblin like I'm drunk ass is pacing the bedroom trying to work out the kink in my lower limb. And it works. For all of 35 seconds. The instant I laid my head on the pillow, it hits again. AGAIN. I fling the covers off and again start pacing around the bedroom.

Again you say, that's still not so bad. Whatever. Loki has been watching me the whole time, as a matter of fact, when the alarm went off at 6 15 he came into the bedroom, curled up at the bottom of the bed, and waited for me to get up and into the shower. This way he can gank the warm spot I leave behind before the other dog gets it. ANYWHO, Loki is watching me walk back and forth around the bed, into the bathroom, and back around the bed trying to ease my screaming muscle ok? Well little dog must think I'm actually getting up because he goes and gets his "little buddy" and drops it on the bed. He wants to play fetch. At 6 51 am. On a Saturday.

My day is going to suck.

I decided to get up. Like always, I put on CNN Headline news while I go about my morning. Getting dressed, brushing my hair and teeth, things of that nature, and I listen to whats going on in the world. CNN doesn't have the biased, twisted standpoints like Fox News, and CNN doesn't have nearly as much silly stories as your local morning TV news shows have.

I know, get the point already.

CNN was talking about the presidential candidates (go fig), and how there are still like 35% of the population that says they are undecided. I'm one of them. Well kinda sorta but not really. I want to vote for myself (or someone like me). Really.

John McCain will not get my vote. Even if my choice was between him and a goat. And I hate goats. I do not agree with his choice for a VP, I do not like his stance on anything, and yes I truly believe that if he was elected, it would be no diff'rent than having W for another term. I think Palin is not right for the job but not because she is inexperienced. I think because she was thrust into this position by a party that is flailing. Miserably.

Barak Obama is more to my liking, but not really. In his speeches, I feel like he is a car salesman, and he should have one of those inflatable arm-flailing tube men behind him while he is screaming "Push it in, tow it in or drag it in. Ill give you 4000.00 for your trade no matter what!! Get down here before 6 and Ill get you in a new car TODAY". Sure he is charming, elegant, well spoken and well mannered, but..maybe just a little TOO much so.

Vickie would be perfect.

I am like everyone else. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, and I sure as shit don't claim my moral character is better than anyone elses.

I have tried marijuana. I have slept with my landlord to pay the rent (and the computer repair guy too) and I'm not embarrassed to say so. I have lied. I have stolen. I had premarital sex, kinky in the alley kinda sex at that, I have used sex as a tool to manipulate. I have drank until I puked, driven under suspension, put the gas bill in the electric bill envelope and vice versa to get a few more days to pay before they cut me off. I have started fights for no reason other than I was pissed off about something I couldn't control and wanted to lash out. I have verbally abused cashiers and customer service reps. I have walked out of the grocery store, forgot to pay for the soda on the bottom of my cart, and NOT gone back in to pay for it. I am not ashamed. I have been divorced, filed bankruptcy and been in foreclosure. My credit rating is in the low 600's, I haven't paid a credit card bill in months, I don't own a car and I currently cohabitate with someone who is not my husband.

The person running against me would have a whole shitload of ammo for a negative campaign. And I guess that I would deserve it. The media would have a field day with all the skeletons they would pull outta my closets and ya know what? That's ok too. Most of that stuff I did years ago and have learned from my mistakes. Seriously, isnt that what life is about anyway?

That being said, why vote for me eh?

I would pull the military out of the middle east. Right now. And take the oil with me. Lets say we are... pirates. Pirate A "invades" your ship. He takes what he wants and leaves. A pirate doesn't invade any ship unless 1) he knows he can win and 2) he gets something for his trouble ie; OIL. America is a pirate. We have proved our point, now take what we want and LEAVE. They don't want us there. Why fight for a country that hates us? Pirates don't care about bragging rights. "Oh we beat Iraq everyone. Go Team." The American people don't care about bragging rights. We want oil so this wont happen again. Remember the 70's?

Abortion is a choice. Plain and simple. If you don't want to have one, great. But don't tell me I cant. Fuck you. I deal with the consequences. Not you. And it should be covered by insurance.

And speaking of health care. It should be for everyone. Period. And that's all I got to say about that.

If an elected official does not show up for senate debates, or committee meetings or whatever else said elected official is supposed to do, he/she should be fired. They can have 80 hours vacation, 40 sick and 40 personal like most normal jobs. There is a campaign ad going around my community that said a certain elected official has not been to a committee meeting in 2 years. 2 fuckin years. And the one meeting he went to, it was to give himself a raise. A nine THOUSAND dollar raise. What would happen if you didn't go to work for 2 years? Hmmm?

I would not spend 60 million dollars to campaign for a job that only pays 400,000 a year. I would take said 60 million and set up a fund for those people who are in foreclosure right now. Bail out the families that are losing their homes.

Welfare is a helping hand, not a lifestyle. My county DHS not only helps with food and cash, but new appliances, gasoline cards, pay for college and/or job training, fix your furnace, weatherize your home, pay your rent, and will not charge you for day care. There are some communities that will give you a new house. A NEW HOUSE. With little or no interest. All because someone didn't know how to use a condom. No wonder welfare is a hard cycle to break. I say give MORE to the parents who are working, help those that are helping themselves.

The president is a leader, not God. I dont expect my president to know everything about everything. Thats what cabinet members are for. Get the right people in place to fix the problems. Is that so hard?

If I was president, that is exactly what I would do.

Friday "Fucket" List

2008-10-24T17:38:00.006-04:00

Ya know, I like to bitch. In all reality, who doesn't?

A. Lot. Especially anonymously. Online.

And when I read some of my favorite-ist blogs *waves to LOTD and Princess Pi* I realize that Im not the only one. At some point, even some of the political blogs I enjoy throw in a personal jibjab at someone and/or something that has been long ignored, some injustice that has not been rectified. Religion and its zealots, parents and their evil spawn, teenagers, fast food, tv ads and even our bosses are fair game. I have read blogs about the stupidity of the general population, the latest and most awesome trends, video games, books, card collecting, coupon cutting, crafting, cooking, cake decorating and yes, even knitting. KNITTING for christmas-sake. I have never knitted a effin' thing in my entire life, but I still read it. Everyday even, and only for the simple fact that the author is well-written, knowledgeable and absolutely hilarious.

Seeing that this blog says "All Things Bitchin'" I figured I better start.

Bitchin' that is.

Hummers. Hummers piss me off. And not the "on your knees" hummer either. Im talking about the big, boxy, 2 parking space takin, I cant see over the windshield, gas guzzlin kind. Really GI Joe? Do you need what is essentially a military assault vehicle to do your grocery shopping? Add a turret and a camo paint job and you got SIR YES SIR all the way. Dude, you live in the CITY. There is no jungle to traverse thru to make it to yonder destination 2 clicks north. I promise while it may not make up for the fact your penis is 3 inches long and about as thick as a chopstick, a Focus will be fine, just fine. Fuck hummers.

Disney. Disney used to be the shizzy yo. Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King. Excellent. I am 37 years old, and I still put on my Aladdin DVD while I clean the house just so I can sing along. I bought not one but TWO copies of the Lion King soundtrack as well as Beauty and the Beast along with all its sequels in a box set. For myself. But what has since happened? Everything is High School Musical or Hannah Montana. Eww. Do you mean to tell me that with all the money that flows through that company, as well as the clearly superior talent that works there, they cannot come up with anything better than Hannah Monfuckintana? I hope that the era for well-made cartoon movies has not passed. I hate to think the "golden age" of cartoon movies has made way for the clearly less superior The Simpson's Movie and the albeit funny as shit South Park movie, but c'mon South Park is no Disney. Fuck Disney.

Saturday cartoons. What the fuck happened with that shit? Saturday morning used to be about Looney Tunes and Scooby Doo, SpiderMan and X Men. I even liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for christ sakes. Now we got the New Batman? WTF?? No Bugs, no Daffy, no Sylvester and no Yosemite Sam. What is this world coming to? I watched the networks replace Bugs with Yu Gi Oh. YU GI OH. Get the fuck outta here. What is this shit? I tolerated Saved by the Bell because even tho he was jail bait, Mario Lopez was delicious to look at and it was funny. Like Three's Company funny. I remember grabbing a box of cereal, the gallon of milk, my bowl and spoon, eat like 1/2 a box and totally veg from 8 am til noon when the news came on. That was awesome. Now we get nothing. The powers that be have slowly gotten rid of Saturday cartoons all together. Check it out sometime. Our kids are getting jipped and its a shame. A damn shame. No more Wile E Coyote. Fuck Saturday cartoons.

Honorable mention for today's Fucket List:

Taxes. Fuck em.
Used cars. Fuck em.
NSF fees. Fuck em.
Spongebob Squarepants. Fuck him in his neck.
Movie channels. Fuck em.
Smokers who cant afford their habit. Fuck em. All day long.

10.00 Challenge my ass

2008-10-21T21:30:00.008-04:00

I'm totally veggin' out in front of the TV tonight, eating Nutella straight from the jar and watching reruns of Family Guy. Rocking evening if I say so myself.

When it happened. The most horrible thing I could have ever imagined on regular TV.

I was eye-raped by KFC.

Some yahoo ad agency thought that by insulting my intelligence, they could sell more chicken. Listen buddy, even a fat girl who loves her some chicken, wont buy into your logic if you insult her. By her, of course I mean an anonymous slightly overweight girl I have never seen before. Of course.

Have you seen the commercial with the claim that we cannot make a fried chicken meal for 10 bucks?

Seriously.

Dude, I'm a single parent. Not only can I make a fried chicken dinner, with REAL mashed potatoes and 4 biscuits, mine will be hot. And fresh. I bet you another said 10 dollars I can also get dessert in that budget as well. Asshole.

Let me explain how. They are advertising 7 pieces of chicken, potatoes and biscuits. We are going to need :

chicken (4 drumsticks .79 lb and 3 thighs .99 lb and lets assume its a pound each)

Flour ( 1.79 5lb bag, and assume we need 1/4 pound and flour is .39 lb divided by 4 so about .09)

11 herbs and spices (while I obviously do not know exactly which ones, I think it is safe to assume that to season 1/4 pound of flour we are talking about grams worth of spice, and even with 11 grams it is still less than a quarter)

oil to cook said chicken (deep fried, 2 cups and 2.59 for 48 oz is .05 per oz, 2 cups is 16 oz so oil is .80)

potatoes (large side at KFC is about 2 potatoes worth, but for argument sake, 1 lb and a 10 lb bag is on sale right now at Fligners for 2.99 so 1 lb is .29)

a couple tablespoons milk and butter (lets say .25 for milk and .30 butter)

salt (.02 really.. a whole container is like .24)

biscuits (ill use bisquick for this example, 1 cup and the whole box is 2.99 so a cup would be about .40)

milk for biscuits (takes 1/4 cup, so lets say .42)

add this up and what do we got?

Four mother fuckin dollars and 60 cents... that's right.

Include energy cost and time, we are still under 10 bucks. And I can get dessert too, the local store has salad for .99 for 12 ounces, and a Sarah Lee layer cake for 2.99.

I do want to point out I did not include gravy with this scenario. There is 2 reasons for this. A) KFC gravy is not real gravy, but a mix (which is about .33 at Aldi's so there) and B) good mashed dont need no gravy. What.

Now bitches.

Is there any love in KFC? Nope. Is there any quality in KFC? Nope. Does KFC make your chicken fresh and to order? Nope it sits under a heat lamp and the potatoes sit in a steam table. Do you have to deal with some kid who has a chip on their shoulder, pissed off they have to work because mommy wont pay for their cell phone anymore who probably picks his nose before doling out your food in a paper bag? Nope. My food is booger free and comes on a plate (sure its a paper plate but my teenager hates doing the dishes).

Vickies chicken is hot from the oil. Biscuits straight from the oven, all steamy and fluffy and I bet I got some left over butter for them too. You get a salad with my chicken dinner, my mashed potatoes are real and you get cake. CAKE. And if I'm feeling generous, I bet I could eek out some kool-aid too. What is the cost of kool-aid yo? Like .04 a glass? I get 2 quarts worth which means you get seconds. You dont get no drinks at KFC. Nothing.

Poop on KFC. I spit on you. And really, the local quickie-mart has better chicken. They do 12 pieces with 18 jo-jo's and a 2 liter for 11.99. Eff KFC.

You are my cuppy cake

2008-10-18T22:54:00.008-04:00

Wazzup peeps? For those not familiar, today is Sweetest Day, or as my S.O. likes to say "A Hallmark Holiday". Sweetest Day is the red-neck equivalent to Valentines Day, and yes, it comes with heart shaped candy boxes, flowers, cards and teddy bears with I *heart* you on the tummy tum tum.

Observed the 3rd Saturday in the month of October, Sweetest Day observance originated in Cleveland in 1922. Herbert Birch Kingston, a philanthropist and candy company employee wanted to bring happiness into the lives of orphans, shut-ins and others who were forgotten. With the help of friends, he began to distribute candy and small gifts to the underprivileged.

Primarily a regional observance celebrated in the Great Lakes region and the Northeast, Sweetest Day is gradually spreading to other areas of the country. People tend to take the Sweetest Day tradition with them when they move. Ohio is the top state for Sweetest Day sales, followed by Michigan and Illinois. Texas, California and Florida are among the top 10 states in sales.

Hey, you learned something today!! Anywho, since its not a "real" holiday and I/we don't really celebrate Valentines Day either, I didn't really want to do the whole candy and card thing. I am not a flower-type person (IMO they are a waste of money), I do like candy, but eh... no biggie. However, I was in the mood to bake so I hit the grocery store.

Wandering the isles, desperate for inspiration, I found strawberry cake mix. Now, those that are familiar, know I'm not big into artificial flavored anything, and kinda turn my fat pudgy nose up at cake mixes. I. Am. A. Purist. Take the time and bake that shit from scratch yo. Be creative. If you are going to take the time to bake for your family, make it yummy. Cake mixes (to me) say "Ya know, I love you but just long enough to throw some shit together and because it is a thoroughly manufactured product, even if I don't follow the directions, it will still be edible".

Now I know some of you are saying "Vickie, mixes are convenient. Mixes give me baked goods without all the babysitting and half the mess". Perhaps you are saying "Bitch get off your high-horse. Who the eff do you think you are? My cakes are good ho" and that's fine for you. I don't like hydroponic anything, hothouse is a joke and why pay good money to a grocery store bakery that is just using the same mix off the shelf and charging triple the price??

I don't get it.

Oh but I digress....

Back to the strawberry cake mix. Sweetest Day is romance-y. Romance is flower-y. Flowers are pink-y. Strawberry cake mix makes pink cake. And it kinda sorta should theoretically taste like strawberry and since strawberries are out of season, I thought "cool." So I bought the mix and baked me up a mess o cuppy cakes.

I also decorated the bejeezes outta them. Oh me and my creative streaks. I am a cuppycake goddess!

Aren't they freakin cute??

I rock!!

Holla peeps

2008-10-10T17:23:00.011-04:00

What's a-goin' on?

I have been totally uber-busy with life in general and have kinda sorta neglected my web duties. My neopet is dying, my Texas hold 'em team is losing and my myspace friends think I'm a recluse. Good thing I am not 'cyber-married' because I would be in the cyber-divorce court as we speak, chatting about how we are going to divide our cyber-belongings and visitation with the cyber-children. You laugh but I speak the truth.

Really.

I have been absorbed with my ongoing love affair with food. Any kind, any flavor, any texture. My name is the first one on the list for the potlucks, family get togethers and bar-b-ques. I always bite off more than I can chew (literally and figuratively..wow that works on 2 levels.. rock on) but always come out smelling like _______ (insert your favorite yummy goodness; ie bacon). Thanksgiving is always at my house, as is Christmas dinner, Easter brunch, Halloween spookfests, teen age sleepovers, the Annual Amateur Porn Review Classic and all the summer bar-b-ques are catered by moi.

Every year.

No exception.

I make a mean spread yo. Momma ain't fat for no reason.

That being said, there was a sign up sheet for a potluck at work, and OH MY GAWD they asked for cupcakes.

A potluck sign up sheet to me is like a port a potty to George Michael.

Irresistible. And no matter how many times I am told to leave it alone.. I cant quit it.

The cupcakes consumed me like an all encompassing swarm of bees buzzing around in my brain. I dreamt about these cupcakes. I doodled these cupcakes, spent hours searching google for just the right picture, and bought every magazine I could get my hands on with Halloween themed treats HOPING to find just the right one.

I found them.

Yes them. I couldn't decide on just one type. Pshaw you mere mortal!! I am Vickie. I am not happy unless I have not only volunteered to make a dish, but several dishes. And dessert. And bring the drinks. And decorate. Send e-mails to all involved, coordinate the buffet table and clean up the mess. Maybe I should be a caterer? This way I can control it all.

Everything.

Under my control. *wringing hands sinisterly*

I wonder if there is a disease or condition I suffer from? Obsessive perhaps? I'm not sure, that is a google search for another day.

So my beloved offspring said she would help, and this is what we came up with.

The spider is devil's food and the ghost is red velvet. Ain't they freakin cute??

The icing on the spiders took an entire bottle of icing color. Not quite as thin as normal egg food coloring, but way intense. It stains everything it comes into contact with, whether it be clothes, my kitchen table, your teeth or your skin.

This started out because she got some icing on her finger. When she realized how dark it turned her tongue, she then decided to drop a rather large dollop in her mouth. You can't tell from the picture, but it turned her teeth and gums a horrendous gray-ish mottled color.

The next batch of cupcakes were the red velvet ones, and as she was licking the beaters, the bowl and the spatula, she noticed her tongue was turning red too.

Here is close up of just the ghost. At the potluck I put up a sign that said "BEWARE SPIDERS WILL STAIN YOUR TEETH YOUR CLOTHES AND ANYTHING ELSE IT TOUCHES YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED" because I didn't want anyone bitchin' at me if they spilled icing and it stained their clothes, or if they had gray teeth the rest of the day. I think it scared everyone because no one wanted to eat them, every single person wanted to take them home.

Now all of a sudden, like 6 people came up to me and said "Hey can you make me a cake?" As if.

But again, my mouth spoke before my brain could catch up and next thing I know, I got 3 emails in my inbox asking for specs on price and style.

Eff me in the A.

I'm no Chef Duff. I'm not Martha Stewart. I'm not even RoseAnn Barr circa 1984. What the hecks am I gonna do?

Crap. The buzzing is back.

Must google soccer cake.

Must google.

Must.

M.....

Oh if I was a drinker..

2008-10-02T19:15:00.013-04:00

Today work sucked. Busy as all hell.. a little cold weather and the general public goes freakin' crazy!! I swear, if I hear just one more time "Its supposed to be gittin cold" I am gonna suplex someone off the top rope!!

I don't know if any of yous have seen the show Dexter? Dexter is a blood spatter analyst, working for the Miami police department, respected on the force, and has a great girlfriend. Dexter is also a serial killer. Torture them, chop them up, then dump the pieces in the water type of killer. Whats cool is he only kills bad guys. Criminals. I suppose Ma and Pa Kettle have issues with violence, but I kind of cheer him on. He is a modern day Robin Hood, a vigilante taking revenge on the evils of society. And so what if he cuts em up? I say have at it. The people he goes after are killers, drug dealers, rapists, who would do nothing but suck the resources out of the system I pay for. Let him. It satisfies his need to kill, it cleanses the planet of these human diseases and it costs me NOTHING... oh again, I digress... The show is a series on Showtime, but has since been picked up by the mainstream tv audience. I haven't watched this on regular tv (meaning non-cable) because I know they are going to have to edit the snot out of it.

At the end of the episode I watched last night, a group of cops went to a bar. Now I haven't been to a bar in years. Literally. Say... 15 years...and I wouldn't even have an inkling on what to order. Traditionally I have been a Jack kinda gal... I used to like my liquor quick, hot and to the point. Burn on the way down, cloud my brain and allow me to do stupid things, like let an epileptic with no license drive my car with me puking in the backseat... oh those were the days.

Nowadays I am a bit more mellow, enjoying the occasional margarita at the cliche Mexican restaurant, or a glass of red wine at the uber-cliche Italian restaurant whose name rhymes with Smolive Barden. I think I would prefer more cocktails, or even the fancy shot drinks. Remember the fuzzy navel or sex on the beach? I found some much more interesting ones and while the names were extremely creative, I'm not so sure on the flavor.

Open Wound

everclear

a dash of tabasco

olive

Purple Jesus

vodka with grape kool-aid

Retards Blend

the recipe doesnt list everything, just vodka, whiskey, and tequila.. I guess your a retard if you drink it

Afterbirth

1 part Raspberry Schnapps

1 part Grenadine

1 part Baileys

add baileys last, when it curdles, slam it

Mind Eraser

Equals parts Kaluha and Vodka with a shot of soda

Nutty Irishman

Frangelico, Whiskey and Baileys

equal parts

Evil Smurf

4 cups vodka

2 cups blue raspberry slushie mix

1 20 container blue gatorade

Ice

mix until its a slushy

Redheaded Sluts

cranberry juice, jager and peach schnapps

Pink Panty Dropper

strawberry vokda, pink grapefruit juice and club soda

Snot Rocket

Apple brandy

sour apple pucker

lime vodka

Rubber Duckie

vodka, orange juice and a splash of sprite

Rusty scrotum

2 parts tequila, one part lime juice

Milk Dud

dark chocolate Godiva and caramel vodka

You got any good ones?

Bad tats are wiggity wiggity wiggity wacked

2008-10-01T21:29:00.020-04:00

Sup peeps! I was websurfing today on my lunch break, catching up on my favorite blogs, reading my local paper online and just general wasting-timedness while munching on my lunch and for whatever reason ended up Googlin' "bad tats".

In the spirit of my most favorite-ist blog, the one that made me want to blog in the first place, I have compiled a list for you all to enjoy while you too peruse the web today.

Thanks for the inspiration List of the Day!! Your blog is well planned and thought out, my blog is more like... a haphazard array of... impertinent ruminations. I, one day hope to attain your level of splendor.

HAHAHAHAAH Gotta love http://thesaurus.com/ !!

***beware**

some of these pictures are not safe for work

some I am sure you have seen before

***beware***

you have got to be kidding me? I seriously want 2 unicorns effing on my back? what a douche

Maybe you shouldn't give the tattoo gun to a 10 year old who is exploring their sexuality eh?

I don't even have a smart ass comment for this one

Was is worth 10 grand? I tend to think not so much

How sweet. Your face on another dude's ass. If that doesn't scream homo, I don't know what does

This one just creeps me out on a whole other level

Really. It isn't.

The movie sucked just as bad

Are you trying to tell me something? The least you can do is manicure that fugly toenail.

Kinda cool. Kinda gross. I think its the jumbo nips on his ass cheeks.

I'm here to pick up your daughter, take her to the dance, and then terrify her beyond the boundaries of sanity.

I just want to know how he stayed still. Oh and who shaved his crack.

Now this make me want to date you.

Friends don't let untalented drunks tattoo them

Even in 1989 this wasn't cool.

Ah yes. The classic.

Ill take things that do not belong in my world Alex for 1000 please

2008-09-30T22:46:00.001-04:00

Well well well. Here we are again. I am sitting in front of my computer, itchin' to be creative, wishin' I could be like the other bloggers. They are funny. And imaginative. And smart. And fresh.

Lo and behold, what do I see when I inner-reflect?

Boring. Dull. Whiny. Lackluster. UN-imaginative.

And then, my bitchiness kicks in and I say EFF IT. EFF IT in the A. I am funny and smart and fresh. Not boring. Not dull. Ok maybe a lil whiny. Certainly luster-y and imaginative-y. What ever Vickie. Stop feeling like Brittney all fat and bloated and instead feel like Cher, spicy and fun and proud.

Yeah baby yeah. Eff the squares and be yourself.

Now I feel empowered. I breathe deeply in my nose and exhale slowly out of my mouth. Strangely craving a cigarette, but empowered nonetheless. I was contemplating people today.

All the people I come in contact with, those I know and those random people we see and make assumptions about. And this is what I came up with.

A) Hypocrites have no place in my world. Stand by your convictions. Don't be a pussy. If you believe or don't believe in something.. stand by it.

B)Do as I say not as I do. How can you seriously tell your kids NOT to smoke with a cigarette in your hand and a bong in the other? WTF is this crap about? Lead by example you effin bastards. If you want your children to stay off drugs don't use drugs. Sure some kids are going to do them anyway, and there is really nothing you can do to stop it. HOWEVER, if you have an open relationship with your child, teach them that they can talk to you about ANYTHING, do not judge or belittle them, they will come to you. Be involved in your kids lives. Know who their friends are, meet their parents, find out what kind of people they are. Active parents know where their kids are, who they hang out with and when Junior says he is at the library that is exactly where he will be.

C) The world owes me. No it effin doesn't. Life isn't fair. Get over yourself. At work, there is a contest, winner getting a gift card to some random restaurant or gas station. Cool, but its only like 25 bucks, and while I would not give it back, its nothing to get completely gaga over right? This dumb broad (and trust me, that is labeling her nicely) says "I think I should win because I really need the money and some of the past winners don't appreciate it because they really don't need money like I do". Are you KIDDING ME? Had I had a mouth full of pepsi when I heard that I would have it shooting out of my nose!! I want you to know it took every ounce of self-restraint my overweight bloated body could muster NOT to do a flying neckbreaker on her. Am I the only one seeing the patheticness in this statement?

D)Drivers who talk on their cell. That in of itself doesn't really bother me. Its when they drift into my lane, and then flip me off when I honk at them. Its when they pull out in front of me without looking and then go 15 miles under the speed limit. Its when a person is trying to text and drive at the same time and constantly hits their brakes because they are not paying attention to the road. Are you really that important? Seriously, pull over. Or into McDonalds. Or into the gas station. Just get off the road.

this bastard wants me to run him off

the road and then piss on his smoking corpse

E) People who are all self-righteous and have diarrhea of the mouth with NOTHING whatsoever to back it up. If you are going to preach how you would never do something, or say something, or heaven forbid you make a bad judgement call, then by all means your highness preach on. But if you are a mortal like the rest of us, learn from your mistakes and take it in the chin like a grown up. Does one really ever grow out of that pettiness? I seriously expect it from my kid, but seriously, get over it.

As I read over what Ive written, it seems like I am doing an abnormal amount of bitching lately. Sorry if its getting lame. Perhaps the purging of my irritations is a good thing.

I wonder what would happen if I didn't purge said thoughts? Google "What happens when you bottle your emotions" and see what you get.

Lets see...

Depression. Naa.. I'm not the type. I cant see myself all sad and mopey and oh my god everyone hates me. Next.

Short temper. Well maybe. I do tend to tell it like it is whether or not you want to hear it. I do get really, really mad when I have to interact with stupid people. When I say "Do the dishes before I get home" and then you say "Oh I forgot baby" when I get home and the dishes are NOT done, why then are you confused when I get pissed off? Right? Am I the crazy one? DO THE EFFIN DISHES. I FORGOT IS NOT AN EXCUSE YOU LAZY FUCK. See what I mean? Short temper. Imagine that everyday. Not good. Maybe thats why _____ (insert diety of your choice) invented marijuana in the first place eh?

Biting your nails. Man, it took me years to get out of that habit. I made the decision to stop that in Jr High. My first day of 7th grade the girl who sat next to me had absolutely beautiful nails. They were long, and tapered, and exquisitely painted. I was totally jealous and made the vow right then and there that I would stop. And I did. Eventually. In 10th grade.

Stomach problems. Well, now to a fat, and I mean REALLY fat girl, stomach problems can be both a blessing and a curse. Blessing implies goodness, and every fat girl dreams of a smaller stomach. Bad tummy means no food. No food is the yellow brick road to skinniness. HALLELUJAH. Curse because stomach problems also equal bathroom issues and as even the skinny girls can attest to, bathroom issues are not bueno. Not even a little bit. No Siree. But which is the lesser evil? I'm not sure.

Not even a little bit.

Things that creep me out

2008-09-28T10:24:00.019-04:00

Halloween is coming soon and if I was a singin' type o' gal, I would be dancing in the moonlight with my crystal ball and broom.

OH how I love Halloween!

Funny thing tho', I was watching the tube last night, and I saw that new commercial for Axe body spray. With the chocolate dude. You know the one. And ya know, that creeped the eff outta me.

*shudders*

And not just the choco-guy itself. It was the whole commercial. Him walking with that insipid smile on his face, the girls in the movie theater eating his ears, the girl on the subway biting his ass. The whole commercial is disturbing to me on a spiritual level. Put blood in place of chocolate and that would be awesome. Wicked awesome. And then have the bloody choco-guy bite the whores back, ripping their ears off. Yeah. Way cool.

Ya know what else is creepy to me? The new Burger King guy. Let me wake up one morning and find this pedophile in a cape staring at me from outside my window. Say hello to my lil friend ya butt pirate. In some commercials he is shown in the bed when unsuspecting John Q Public wakes up. In. The. Bed. Now, waking up to find a totally hot guy, dressed like a king, sporting a hard on AND an omelette sandwich? Totally awesome. That is fantasy #12, right before unusually short ninja dude with a half pepperoni half black olive pizza and right after Dunkin Doughnut maker with a blindfold and a piping bag full of custard.

MMM custard. I like custard.

Jared from the Subway commercials. Him too. That is a creepy creepy guy. I think its his smile. He leers at the camera like he wants to go all Jeffrey Dahmer on us. Or no wait, The UniBomber. Yea, he smiles like the UniBomber. His eyes have no twinkle or spark, dead and lifeless, his deadpan expression doesn't make me want to buy a delicious sub sandwich with all the veggies I want, have it toasted to perfection with my choice of condiments. Even if it does cost only 5 dollars for a footlong. It makes me want to stab my eyeballs with a toothpick. Ok maybe I am exaggerating a little bit. While it doesn't entice me to buy a sub, I will still buy a white chocolate macadamia cookie or two. Or three.

Those rock!

The women from those polygamy sects. They are just plain ole strange. And creepy. They dress alike, they talk alike, they even kinda look alike. While not being completely Stepford, they are definitely Stepford-esque. Now I get the whole community living thing and I would assume if I was a more "people person", I would probably like having several resources to draw from. Cooking, cleaning, child rearing all done on a group scale. If kids A and B piss me off, I can hand them off to wifey number 2. That's cool. But then again, kids A and B are not necessarily my personal offspring, and I don't know if I would want to be an eternal babysitter. I like sharing house keeping, but I don't like cleaning up after other people. I like sharing the cooking responsibilities, but what if wife 2 or 3 can't cook and their food tastes like crapola? What if I want a nice quiet evening with my husband? No kids, just us. Maybe watch a movie, grab a bite to eat, come home and eff in front of the fireplace? No can do, wives 2-4 got dibs on the effing today, wives 5-9 scheduled movie time and wives 11 thru 15 have scheduled time to be away from the kids leaving you stuck on child duty. That would suck. Not to mention they make their own clothes, which look exactly like everyone else. And I dont like to sew. At all. Not even a little bit. Whose gonna make my clothes? I wonder if the alpha male just calls them numbers? How does he introduce a new wife to the clan? "Hey e'rybody. Heres the new girl I'm gonna be banging so get used to it. Make her some clothes like y'all got, so I don't have to remember her name. Yins guys look alike anyway. Heres an ideal girls. Why dont you give a few hours so I can... get to know her. In a biblical way." Gross. And do they really have to schedule "mommy daddy time"? I wonder if he is any good in the sack? Theoretically he would have to be.. practice makes perfect right? And how does he keep all their needs separate? Wife 8 likes to be spanked and Wife 14 likes the guy to lick her taint....Hold on. I'm creeping myself out. I need a moment. **Deep breath** And the husband they choose? EWWWWW you know just by looking at him he smells like a dirty sanchez 3 days after waking up in Tijuana in a pool of your own vomit and a Chihuahua humping your leg.

No thanks.

Bugs in general don't bother me, mostly because I am bigger than they are. I can step on them. Or moosh them with my thumb. Or squish them in a tissue. But there is one kinda bug that is just disgusting to me. That would be the house centipede. Common in homes with crawlspaces, these bugs like the damp soil to lay their eggs and while preferring to stay outside in the crawlspace, they can migrate inside. I found one in the bathroom while we were moving in and totally freaked the eff out. It was long, and leggy, and spikey looking. Holy Centipede Batman, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I immediately went to the store looking for pesticide to kill it and all its lil friends that are lurking under my house just waiting for to me leave a damp towel on the bathroom floor. Oh no siree my friend. Invade my home and you will die. Oh yes, you will die. I have not seen one since, but every now and then I will see something out of the corner of my eye, skittle across the floor. No matter how quick I am, I can never confirm what I think I see. Maybe my brain is just playing tricks on me, maybe I'm just seeing a dust bunny flit across the tile, or just maybe I am seeing the centipede's gang, coming to take revenge on their fallen comrade. Maybe those little effers are plotting against me.

Wheres my Orkin Man when I need him?

Its pet peeve day here...and a flashback

2008-09-24T23:41:00.003-04:00

In the Wonderful World of Workman, the sky is overcast, my parsley is dying on the back deck, and Loki has eaten an entire roll of toilet paper. Again.

*cue music*

*Pet Peeves, as performed by Me, your friendly neighborhood busybody*

People who take up 2 parking spaces. If your car is that precious, park wayyyy in the back where no one else parks. And the funny thing is, the car I am referring to was, oh I would say 1995 Ford Escape. Now sure it wasn't banged up or rusty, but seriously, you were taking up 2 spaces in the front at TGI Fridays. By that fact alone, you have just told me a few facts about yourself; a) you're a douche b) you're a cheap bastard and c) you're lazy.

People who are convinced everything is a conspiracy. My S.O. knows a guy like this and as much as I hate to say it, it is contagious and now HE is trying to convince ME everyone is out to dupe the public. While the government is corrupt, and inefficient, and manipulative, and sure perhaps historically there was some shady business, but everyone??? Every company, organization, political affiliation, union, all the way down to the pack of rabid little children riding their bikes through my neighborhood like the march of the penguins does not have another agenda. Between hearing all the theories on how 9-11 was purposely initiated by the US Government, Miss USA is being conspired against and now the US can't win a beauty contest and Barack Obama is a terrorist, I've had enough.
Just stop. There is plenty of other things out there to worry about. Next thing you know the Girl Scouts of America are out to poison everyone with their cookies and Wal-Mart greeters are actually aliens doing recon work for the government.

People who constantly complain they are broke. I get it. I am too. But you don't hear me whine about it and if I do, its not to the whole group. And its not constant. There is a person I work with that CONSTANTLY complains they have no money. Every day this broad manages to find someone to buy her lunch, or get her a soda, or cover her part of a pitched in pizza. It seriously makes me sick. This same broad has personalized plates on her car, has 3 pampered dogs, and make a comment that she should win a contest based simply on the fact that she would appreciate it more than someone else. We all are in a state of profound broke-titude your highness, so leave your pity party at home and pick up some overtime. Ho.

That's all the complaining for now. HAHAHAHAH.

The flashback that I am referring is from... 1984. I was at a Mother-Daughter banquet at my church (yes I went once upon a time) and it was a pot luck type brunch. After all the prayers, and devotion, and reaffirmation, and general mommy-daughter bonding, we ate. And you know church ladies can cook up some shit right?

I remember the smell of ham coming out of the church's basement kitchen (a meals on wheels program was ran from it), the best punch on the planet, salads, sandwiches, and desserts as far as the eye could see. Oh it was a fat girls wet dream. I had a pastel dress on, baby's breath in my hair, mom was dressed classy in a pantsuit and smelled of Imari from Avon (now I think that shit reeks, but to an 12 year old, it was exotic).

We had a raffle, well more like a drawing, the winner had a dot on the underside of their chair. I had the winning chair GO VICKIE and won a toilet paper cover thingy ... the dress was crocheted beautifully, the dress part covering the roll with the doll just from the waist up... am I painting an accurate picture or just random rambling?? It was the only one we ever went to, and in some kind of weird needy way, I wish I would have gone to more. My whole mother-daughter bonding memory is literally this one Sunday.

After eating all the ham and pasta salad I could possibly hold I got a plate and hit the dessert table. I honestly had no intention of eating it right then, but to take it home and snack on it while reading. I had my plate in hand, going down the table, taking a bit of this and a taste of that.

And then I saw it.

It was beautiful. The head church lady must have just set it out right before I got there. There wasn't a single piece out of it. It was shining, glistening with a red jeweled glow, like a ruby twinkling in the heavenly afternoon light. I saw that it was layered, it looked like a creamy middle, light and fluffy with a textured bottom layer for structure. My mouth started to water... "Damn" I said, in my mind of course because I would never cuss in a church basement.

I picked up the miniature spatula and took the corner out. I was working the tool delicately, like a surgeon cutting around your spinal cord, I did not want to mar the absolutely perfect, absolutely even top.

I got back to my table next to my mom, her sipping tea and nibbling on what looked like a dainty bowl of mush (it was actually bread pudding). She looked at my plate, and I could tell she was looking to see what treasures I had. I pointed out the green jello molded stuff, various cookies and brownies... tactfully drawing her away from my red layered pile of yummyness.

I waited patiently for some random church lady to engage my mom in a meaningless repartee. At the precise moment I knew she was not looking, I took the plastic spoon mom used to stir her tea and took a bite.

GLORIOUS.

So much so my next bite was the rest of the piece. I shoved that whole thing in my mouth, it oozed out the corners, down my chin and smack dab in the middle of my pastel dress. I didn't care. It was the best dessert I had ever had. I think I had my first orgasm right there in the middle of my church basement. I knew at that exact second, I was on a mission. An all consuming quest that would be on my mind for the next 24 years. I would find out how to make that layered dessert if it took the rest of my life.

I tried to find out who made it. Alas, no one confessed. Or perhaps that knowledge couldn't be trusted to a mere child? That power was too great and I was too inexperienced. Perhaps.

Dramatic you say?

I laugh at your drama.

I completed my quest. Tonight. What on this planet could cause me such mental anguish? What dessert could have made such an impact on me that I have had it several times and no one could make it like I had that day?

Strawberry Pretzel Salad

Out of sheer desperation and a craving for something sweet, I found a recipe that sounded close to what I remember. I made it today, and while I should have waited until morning to taste it, I couldn't wait.

I put that first bite into my mouth and immediately the sounds, smells, feelings from that day came rushing back. Kinda gay I know, but as I sit here and try not to cry, I hope I am building the same kind of memories for my own daughter.

Enjoy

2 1/2 c pretzels, crushed

3/4 c butter, melted

3 Tbsp sugar

1 package cream cheese softened

1 c sugar

1 big container Cool Whip

1 3-oz packages strawberry jello

2 bags frozen sliced strawberries

Mix pretzels, butter and sugar together and press into the bottom of a 13x9x2 pan. Back at 375 for 10 minutes. Let cool completely.

Beat cream cheese and 1 c sugar together until light and fluffy. Slowly mix in Cool Whip. Spread over cooled pretzel crust.

Dissolve jello with 2 cups warm water, and then mix in strawberries and stir until almost set, about 4 or 5 minutes. Pour over cheese mixture and chill for at least 2 hours.

Today is baking day

2008-09-21T18:16:00.010-04:00

Hey e'rybody!

Being Sunday, our electricity has been restored since the storm, and I do not enjoy football in large doses, I decided to spend the day baking.

Now before I step into my Betty Crocker mode, I must confess. I started today out with the best of intentions. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen and did laundry which took all day. The kind of clean where you pull the nobs off the stove, pull the stove out and get the sides, the whole shibang. Laundry washed, ironed, folded, put away. Who needs a day off anyway? Spare time is overrated!! I made chicken paprikas with spaetzel for dinner (mmmm want the recipe? that would be another blog) and then spent the rest of the evening playing yet another mindless clicking game courtesy of Reflexive called Miriel the Magical Merchant. I did however stumble upon a rather entertaining show on HBO call TruBlood. Its about vampires, and if you have been keeping up, you know I am totally into the Twilight series which is about...

Da da da da.....

Vampires.

Sexy.

Scary.

Wicked Awesome.

So today I decided to make baked goods. Cookies, cake, and some kind of sweet treat... caramel popcorn perhaps? Yeah, I didn't have enough chocolate chips, I am almost out of butter ( I do not bake with margarine.. blasphemy), and the popcorn I have is extra butter, not plain. Damn my sweet tooth.

My day of baking turned into a one shot toffee bar recipe that is cooling in the fridge as we speak. Its one of those layered jobbies with a baked sugar, butter, and flour crust. Next layer is sweetened condensed milk and butter...topped with chocolate chips and heath toffee bits. As soon as the chocolate hardens up its on. I already cut a small piece to taste it.

Quality control.

It is a necessary evil that I will .... reluctantly endure.

Total yum-ness.

I would love to hear about any great recipes you have either tried, love to make and/or want to try. Anything with chicken, chocolate or cheese (while not necessary in the same recipe) and my crew will try it.

I do have a fabulous recipe for something called Taco Dip which is hands down my daughters favorite. You can add ground meat (be it beef, chicken or turkey and make it more "dinner") to up the protein factor or leave the meat out and it is more like a party dip.

Taco Dip

1 container sour cream (fat free if you want)

1 brick cream cheese (low fat if you want) at room temp

1 packet taco seasoning (low sodium if you want)

1 lb cooked and seasoned taco flavored meat (if desired) warm .. not cold, not steaming

shredded lettuce

chopped tomatoes

shredded cheddar cheese

chopped olives (if you like them)

chips to scoop--we like Tostitos Gold or Torengos if you can find them

Mix sour cream and cream cheese until smooth (no lumps). Spread into the bottom of an 8x8 baking dish. Top with meat if desired. Next top with cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. Scoop and eat.

This can be doubled. If so, put in a 13x9x2.

Excellent the next day.

If it lasts that long.

Tell me how you like it.

My literary review.... with SPOILERS

2008-09-12T19:03:00.015-04:00

I am a huge reader. Huge as in the size of my ass. Huge as in the size of my personality. Huge as the chip on my shoulder whenever I hear "Like OH MY GAWD I just eat and eat and I can never gain any weight".

Bitches.

Anywho, I read every night before I go to sleep. Its a habit I developed in high school, I seem to remember more of what I read if I do it before bed. Even now, if I need to study something or remember it, I generally read it over before I sleep.

Bitches.

Anywho, a blog that I read did a review of the book "Twilight" by Stefanie Meyer. Her review was informative, well written and it totally made me want to read the book. So I did. It was everything she said and more. I loved it. So much so I went out and got the other 2 books, and preordered the next.

And then I read them. But thats another blog.

Twilight was wonderful. A little bit... how do you say... lovey dovey for my usual taste. Wait, lemme give you a little background.

Twilight is a story about a human, Bella, who meets and falls in love with the resident vampire Edward (and he with her). Edward lives in an uber-mansion, drives an uber-expensive car, is uber-sexy, uber-everything. Bella is the complete opposite. She is clumsy, irrational, moody, and kind of whiny.

I am from the Ann Rice school of vampires and I have a hard time believing that in this world, vampires have skin that sparkles like diamonds in the sunlight. I have a little trouble that a vampire, given enough time, can wean themself off human blood and be satisfied forever and ever and ever with animal blood. Only. Forever. I dont buy it. There is also an Italian Vampire Mafia complete with a don and instead of a restaurant, they have a SWEET ASS set up with tour groups providing the meal in the catacombs under the city. Super cool I know. And did I mention this is considered "young adult"? But alas, it is a very entertaining book, not too heavy and a rather quick read.

So that being said, I figured since I loved my first foray into Meyer's world thru Twilight, I would enjoy her adult book, The Host. I finished this book last night.

And I hate to say it, but I would have rather spent my 25.99 on lighter fluid and a match. This was supposed to be an "adult novel", but I failed to see the adult in it. To me, this was simply Twilight with little wormy aliens instead of vampires.

The Host is about worm-like aliens that fuse to the human spine and take over their bodies. Once the "souls" inhabit a planet, they basically turn it into a utopian society. No pain, no violence, everyone helping everyone else. You get the idea.

Of course there are humans who resent the aliens and go underground, literally. And as you can probably guess, on a routine raid for supplies, one of the militant humans become inhabited by a "soul". Under normal circumstances, the "souls" take over the personality and the human becomes lost. Our militant human however, doesnt give up so easily and there is an internal struggle between the alien and the human. Eventually they learn to "love" each other, and teach all the other militant humans how to live peacefully with the "souls". While not ever printing the "Happily ever after" it is implied in the epilouge.

GAG.

Did anyone else see this coming? 25.99 for this garbage that could have easily been a 1974 episode of Star Trek. No sex. No violence. No blood. What exactly is adult about it? Aside from a little brotherly rivalry there is NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. This could be labelled as young adult, even junior high schoolers and it will offend no one.

I will start reading the last installment of the Twilight series tonight called "Breaking Dawn" and being the dork I am, I have already read the reviews. And I read the summaries, the critiques, the spoilers... ya ya I know, and Im worse at Christmas. I am keeping an open mind about it and I will let you know.

More of what irritates me

2008-09-04T19:23:00.013-04:00

Lately I have been aggravated. With everything. And everyone.

Why you ask?

I dont know. My monthly visitor is not due any time soon, my bank has a positive balance (for now), I still dont have a car yet but Im not really stressing about it and while my S.O is a huge ass sometimes, I have pretty much resigned to ignoring him when he gets...well you know...dickish and my job is pretty much just getting better and better.

But...

I have noticed that when I talk to potential customers and/or current customers* who have questions about their account, there are certain phrases that immediately put me on the defensive. Maybe I have been hearing those phrases more often and hence the aggravation.

So in a feeble attempt to put this giant, monstrous, acid covered, zombie-who-is-lashing-out-at-everyone metaphorical creature away that has infiltrated my personality, I am being my own shrink and purging myself of all this negative energy.

"You people"

Every time I hear the phrase "you people" my skin literally crawls and I physically have to restrain myself from screaming at whoever said it. "You people sent me a bill...." "I have been dealing with you people for..." "Im tired of you people calling..." Im my humble opinion (or maybe not so humble) I think this is the most red necked, inconsiderate, uneducated, ghetto-fied thing you can possibly say to anyone. Say things like "your company", or the company name, or even "you guys"... there is just something about you people that immediately makes me defensive and yes, If I could, I would reach through the phone and poke you in the eye. At the very least I would hang up on you.

"Does a price lock mean I'll get the lower price if the price drops"

Look at the words carefully. Price. Lock. According to the definition of the word "lock" it means immoveable or rigid and so logically if you are "price locked" that would mean....all together now kids... the PRICE DOES NOT CHANGE. I didnt say you could sign up for a price roller coaster, a price elevator, or even a price pogo stick. I said PRICE LOCK. Why is that so effin hard to understand? Even after I have explained, almost as if I am talking to a 3 year old and said "Your price will remain the same, whether the market skyrockets or plummets" I will inevitably hear at least 10 times a day "Well, if the market goes down, you people will give me the lower price right?" AAAAHHHH!!! And then you wonder why I am aggravated?

"Why is ____ getting a better price than I am?"

As I am sure every person on the planet knows, prices change depending on where you are at. Whether you are talking about food, cigarettes, cell phones, utilities or home prices, where you are makes a big difference. My house in L.A. would be shanty, my house in my city makes it ok. Cigarettes in the county next to me are more expensive than my county and the local grocery store has a higher price from the same brand than the discount grocery store. Again, why is this concept so hard to understand? Gas on my side of town is higher than on the other side of town, from the same "brand" gas station. They sell the same gas, they buy it from the same refinery, but the gas station on the corner is a chain with a bakery and a mini mart while the other only has cigarettes and candy. I dont walk into the gas station and say "the gas station down the road has gas for .02 less, why cant you give me that price?" Or "Last year I got gas for 2.67, why is gas so expensive today?". Doesnt anyone watch the news, or read a newspaper, or even just talk to another human being about something other than who won American Idol? Why am I even having to explain this kind of thing to ANYONE? I shouldn't have to explain Econ 101 in order to justify why my prices are what they are.

"I have children"

So do I. Why should that be allowed as an excuse? I am a single parent and have been for quite some time. I would never use my daughter as an excuse to get something for nothing, or to take advantage of a situation, or to drum up sympathy. I dont call my electric company and say "I know I haven't paid you in the past 6 months, but now you are going to turn off my electric. I have kids so you need to keep it on. What? I know I havent paid my bill but I have kids. OH I see, somehow its MY fault that you are turning off my electric?" And yes I understand there are situations beyond the norm, yadda yadda yadda. I am not an unfeeling person. I do sympathize with the newly single parent, or divorced parent who just cant seem to catch a break (been there done that) but honestly. You are able to get your nails done, buy your kids Gap and Old Navy, you drive a new car and you are sportin a Coach purse. I give you no sympathy. Stop trying to make me feel sorry for you. You already recieve food stamps, you get better health care than I pay for and your day care is paid for. You get HEAP, Section 8 and human services paid for you to get a new refridgerator. Just stop it.

Wow.

That actually helped. Preach on Sister Vickie. Preach on.

* I am in sales as most know. And I guess it comes with the territory, seeing as anytime you mention "sales' you get the inevitable moan, the rolling of the eyes and the sigh. Like I am a drug dealer or something. Look buddy, you called me. I did not solicit you, interrupt your dinner or call you at some ungodly hour of the morning. You called Me. I sell something you are interested in. And while you may come across the "slimy salesperson" I am not the one. You ask an honest question I will give you an honest answer. I wont lie or mislead you intentionally. And if you doubt anything I say, feel free to verify it. Dont be a dick. Amen.

Its been while, I know

2008-08-30T13:32:00.008-04:00

And I suck. I admit it. Between working and working and life in general, I seem to be busier than I thought possible (did I mention working?). Oh and my car is officially dead. I guess that is my fault for buying a Daewoo in the first place.

Don't laugh.

Ya I know. A Daewoo.

ANYWHO, last night I watched some countdown show on E! (go figure)about the top 15 political sex scandals. And believe it or not, it got me thinking. Is what I do in my personal life enough to get me fired (assuming it is not illegal of course)?

So here is my argument... maybe I am way off base but I kinda don't think so.

Bill Clinton

His indiscretions threw the entire country for a loop. So the man got a blow job. Big whoop. As the leader of the most powerful nation on the planet, there is BOUND to be perks that ANY man would jump all over. Bill was (and in many ways still is) the equivalent of Elvis, had Elvis been in politics. Good looking, powerful, smart, funny, married. That totally makes him doable, regardless of what side of the political arena you are on. Just like Axel Rose, Bret Michaels and Tommy Lee all he has to do is smile and the wetness begins.

The only person who has the right to be pissed off is Hilary. Should the man lose his job because he cant keep it in his pants? Not really. The head of Proctor and Gamble or the CEO of Exxon should not be have to be held at a higher moral standard just because of their position. If what they do on their own time and with their own money is legal, then have at it.

Bill had an affair. Plain and simple. It was consensual sex (oral or vaginal in irrelevant) with another adult. Not a prostitute (which shouldn't be illegal in my opinion anyway but alas, I digress), not a minor. He wasn't a teacher and Monica his student. He wasn't her dad, or creepy uncle or 2nd cousin twice removed. He was the leader of the free world , she was willing and able. Not coerced, or manipulated or cajoled. He had something she wanted and he gave it to her.

In the words on King Henry VIII "Its good to be the king"

Eliot Spitzer

Now this jerk off hired a prostitute. Illegal. Get the eff outta office. I guess my biggest issue with this yahoo is that he blamed it on booze and then assumed "I'm sorry" was enough. Again, the wife should be the most pissed, but yes, what he did was illegal and therefore SHOULD have been removed from office. Of course as we all know, he did just that.

And last, one last one before I get off my soapbox...

David Vitter

David Vitter. Mr. Holy Roller himself. If you are going to preach about family values and moral responsibility, shouldn't you practice that? Don't preach to me the ills of drugs while you hit the bong. Don't chastise me for liking porn while you get your ding dong slobbered by a prostitute. Never tell me MY personal decisions are detrimental to the fabric of society whilst you are using my tax dollars to get your mistress an abortion. Instead say to me "Drugs are addicting and if you want, here is where you can go to get help. If you like porn great, but keep it away from the kids. If you want an abortion, do it safely and then take the steps to prevent an unwanted pregnancy in the future."

I just don't think that ones personal choice should affect their job as long as it is a LEGAL decision. I know people who have cheated on their spouse. I know people who have gotten a blow job from someone other than their wife. But that does not mean they should be fired.

I purposely left out the politician who came out of the closet and then did not seek reelection, because it is common knowledge that you cannot fire a person for their sexual orientation. To do so is illegal and just plain ole mean. Assuming he was doing a good job (and by all accounts he was) he would have got my vote regardless of who he sleeps with. Again, the person who should have the strongest opinion is his wife, and I really don't think it is anyone else's business.

I will have a lighter post soon... have a good holiday

I love casual gaming

2008-07-12T10:52:00.013-04:00

I am an 80's kid. I like hair bands with skinny men in tight jeans, I miss Reganomics (I know, I know, but the man had a way about him you gotta admit), and I can still talk Valley Girl with the best of them. My favorite color will always be florescent yellow, I think leg warmers are cool and yes, I still want to stand up and cheer every single time an Olympic commercial comes on with Mary Lou Retton . No matter how hard my daughter tries to convince me flared jeans are all the rage, they will ALWAYS be bell bottoms to me and I will always hate them.

Along with my love with everything 80's, I also became infatuated with video games. Of course the big ones when I was a kid were Atari and Nintendo. Seriously, who didn't love Mario Brothers? The neighbor across the street had a Colecovision and I remember the graphics were INCREDIBLE.

At least to me.

Compared to the Atari.

Now that I am older and theoretically wiser, I find that video game consoles are confusing. I have a computer with internet access already, so do I want my gaming system to be web accessible too? Do I want it to play DVD's? Do I want a Wii, a PS3 or an XBox 360? There are games I want to play on all systems and let's face it, I am not willing to spend the bucks on all three. I myself am leaning towards the Wii, but no one seems to carry them.

So, while me and my crew debate on our new gaming system, I have taken to the internet for my gaming fix. I do have a PS2 and sure I can play those games, but that means I have to hook up the system, decide on which game I want, get all my munchies and drinks ready, find a comfortable spot and start to play. But on the internet, I pick the game I want from a vast array of games, I can easily start the game, I can easily end the game. The computer is already hooked up, my spot is already picked out and there is even a coaster already in place for my drink. The games are usually free, and even if they aren't I can at least try them for an hour to see if I like them. If I like the game but don't want to buy that's ok too, because in about 6 months it will be on the shelf at Wal-Mart in a nice little package for 1/2 the price.

I am a GENIUS!
So where do I go to get these great games you ask? http://www.reflexive.com/

In my house we call casual games "point and click" or as my S.O. likes to say "mindless clicking games". Yeah whatever buddy. Just remember level 10 ranger with the helm of brilliance ya dork.

I happen to LOVE my clicking games. If you would like to see what I am talking about, go to Reflexive and download Diner Dash. Its free to try.

I'll wait.
The story behind the game is you are Flo, an up and coming go-getter starting out as most of us did, in the restaurant business. There are a ton of puzzles to work your way through, clicking until your little heart is content. The gameplay is clear, the story is cute, the addiction is epic.

This is the game that got me started on casual gaming and it seems every game development company has a game that is almost, but not quite like Diner Dash. Whether you want to play a server, baker, gourmet chef, pizza cook or sandwich artist, there are a plethora of games to fulfill your need. And not just the restaurant business either. There are pet grooming, pet store owning, spa and beauty treatment, wedding and reception scenarios, hotel and resorts as well.

But those are another blog..

Have a great time killing time. And if for some reason you do get addicted, I did warn you.

Speaking of "taking it"...

2008-07-11T20:34:00.012-04:00

Some of my favorite people are nurses, or in the field of nursing. There are several in the family, both my own and my significant others, starting with my great grandmother all the way up to my very own step sister, who has just passed her boards and is now an official LPN--Good job. Even my most favoritist (is that even a real word) blogger is a nurse in a male repoductive office. And trust me, she has some great stories.

Anywho, today I found out that a friend of ours was diagnosed with "colitis", and not knowing what it was, I went to google to find out. Google brought up wiki, and I eventually found out what I was looking for. Well long story short, I found a blog from a doctor that made me think of nurses ( they being the first people you see before the doctor makes an appearance). I have total respect for nurses, I think they get the short end of the stick and while they may make a decent living, I really don't think it compensates for the crap (literally) they have to put up with.

That being said, here is a blog that will make you think before you run to the ER with what you are convinced is a brain tumor. If you would like to read some of her other blogs, go here http://dailystrength.org/ .

8 Crazy stories from the ER

By Dr Sharon Orrange, MD

I've spent a lot of time in the ER, and I'm always asked to describe the most unusual cases I've handled. Over the years, I've compiled an unofficial list in my head, but have never written them down until now.
The cases below involve conditions and symptoms that are seldom discussed in everyday conversation. Some may find them distasteful or too intense. The fact remains that they do occur regularly in real life, and discussing them can remove the stigma or embarrassment that may prevent someone from seeking medical help.
This article is not for the faint of heart. If you are squeamish or easily offended by frank discussion or graphic medical images, please read no further.

Time Doesn't Heal Everything - Get To The Doctor

A morbidly obese man with a large abdominal pannus (image at right) came in exhibiting red, irritated skin around the abdomen. It looked like a routine skin infection. But what was the cause? During the exam, I lifted the pannus and a turkey sandwich fell from between his folds. The man said it was about a month old, which the smell confirmed.
As you might imagine, abdominal pannus is very common given the much-talked-about obesity epidemic. The most common complication is yeast infection (intertrigo). If you have an abdominal pannus, the goal is to keep the skin under the pannus dry and clean.
Three tips: 1) After bath or shower, lift the hanging skin and air dry or blow dry on cool setting. 2) Use an antifungal powder like nystatin (prescription) or a non-talc powder. 3) If area appears red or itchy, try an over-the-counter antifungal cream.

A woman living alone with multiple medical problems came in complaining of odor and itching of her feet. In what was left of both of her feet wet gangrene had taken over, along with hundreds of maggots. In the folded skin in the groin were more maggots.
As you may have heard, maggots do keep skin lesions clean. But they aren’t easy to get rid of, as they scamper deeper into the wound when they see you coming.

An older gentleman man came in with many complications from his diabetes. I went to take off his socks and as I began to examine him, the tip of his second toe broke off into my hand like a piece of turkey bacon. It was dry gangrene.
Most people have a fuzzy understanding of gangrene -- it's unpleasant to look at and mostly affects fingers and toes. But what is it, really? Gangrene is the death of tissue, almost always from a lack of blood flow. Wet gangrene involves a bacterial infection, dry gangrene does not. Diabetes, circulatory issues, and smoking are some common culprits. In fact, gangrene from diabetes is the most common cause of non-traumatic amputation.
All diabetics should examine their feet daily for any signs of redness or skin breakdown. Since sensation is diminished in the feet, a visual check is critical.
Dry gangrene is usually ischemic (i.e. decreased blood flow to the area) and usually occurs in someone with peripheral vascular disease. Dry gangrene should be very painful in the early stages. A red or purple discoloration will progress to black without intervention. Early evaluation and vascular surgery is the only chance of saving the finger, toe or limb.

Private Part Mishaps
Periodically, men have arrived in the ER with the same complaint: "Doctor, my junk is purple." The culprit is always a metal cock ring that got stuck. I've learned that regular ring cutters available in the ER don’t work. The time it takes to get more powerful (and cringe inducing) wire cutters does not help calm the patient’s nerves.
Guys, please consider the alternatives to metal -- latex, rubber, silicone, leather, velcro, etc.

An elderly woman from a nursing home was brought in and complained of a "large ball” between her legs. It was her uterus, which had come out of her vagina. When one gets older everything starts to sag, and in some cases hang out, including the uterus and rectum.
A rectal prolapse is fairly common in both older men and women, and generally comes from weakened ligaments and years of strained bowel movements. So, eat fiber, drink water, and do your Kegel exercises.
Naturally, the sight of a vaginal or rectal prolapse is very distressing to patients. I find that the general silence around the subject only serves to make it that much more alarming. In reality, it is fairly common in older adults and very treatable.

Retained Objects
Doctors actually use the phrase "retained objects" to categorize this next group of cases. They are very common in the ER, but again, seldom discussed.

A man came in complaining of pain and bleeding from down below. He was trying to quit smoking and had replaced cigarettes with sunflower seeds, eating them shell and all whenever he got the urge.
During the rectal exam, we discovered a giant sunflower seed mass crowning like a baby's head. Despite castor oil and trying to “deliver” it, we ended up picking out the pieces with tweezers until it was small enough to pass.

A woman came in complaining of pain in her pelvis, so the doctor put her in the stirrups and performed a pelvic exam. He immediately removed the problem -- a set of car keys. The woman explained she didn’t want her boyfriend taking the car, so she hid the keys in a place where “he never goes”.

A patient came in with a very simple case: a toilet bowl scrubber had become lodged in his rectum. Curiously, he wasn’t sure how it got there.

So please everyone, remember to get to the doctor if something is troubling you. Don't delay, and don't be embarrassed -- we've probably seen worse.

Bonus Stories
Here are some bonus stories, which I had nothing to do with. Truth or urban legend? You decide.

An unconscious man and his girlfriend arrived with a large lump on his head and several deep scratches on his scrotum. When he awoke, he explained that he had been kneeling naked over the side of his bathtub while cleaning.
The cat must have become transfixed with his swaying testes, and it pounced. The patient struck his head as he jumped in pain, and his girlfriend found him unconscious.

Two parents in the ER were yelling and screaming, thinking that their teenage son was going blind because he was seeing spots. In private, the son revealed that his parents had caught him masturbating earlier that week and told him he would go blind if he continued.
Of course he continued, and the next time he hyperventilated and saw spots. In a panic, he told his parents about the spots, but not about his private activity. When the parents found out the whole story, they loudly complained that their son could, in fact, have gone blind from masturbation, and that we were negligent in not taking them seriously.

While making small talk with an older female patient, she mentioned that the "Kentucky Jelly" on her breakfast tray had a very strange taste. When I asked to see the jelly, the woman handed me a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining she had green vines in her "virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did have a six-inch vine growing out of her vagina, and x-rays revealed it was growing from a potato in her vaginal vault.
She explained that her uterus was falling out, so she put a potato in there to hold it up and had forgotten. (Another uterine prolapse. Remember to do your Kegel's, ladies.)

And lastly

if you are a nurse

I hope this makes you laugh!

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine

You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse

You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear

You believe all bleeding stops...eventually

You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

George Carlin

2008-07-11T20:15:00.004-04:00

As you may or may not have heard, George Carlin has passed away. As I was reading all the tributes, memorial sites and commentaries on my hands down all time favorite comedian, I found this little gem.

Enjoy!

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky bastards.’

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ‘decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and One NutraSweet,’ ooooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing ‘Enter,’ verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want Cash back, and pressing ‘Enter’ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to ‘beef with broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they’re already doing that. It’s called ‘The Howard Stern Show.’

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell If he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, ‘Do you want fries with that?’

Oh I will miss that kind of comedy. I hope the up and coming comedians take heed.

2008-07-06T09:47:00.010-04:00

Where did that phrase come from?

I woke up this morning and Loki was jumping all over the room, on the bed, under the bed, into the bathroom, back out of the bathroom, back on the bed, well you get the idea. So I said to my S.O. "Boy, Lil Man is full of piss and vinegar today" and we both started laughing and commenting on how energy is wasted on the young.

*sigh*

So, I wanted to find out the origin of some of my favorite phrases. I found a great site at http://www.phrases.org.uk/index.html where all these answers came from. Enjoy!

Full of Piss and Vinegar

Meaning
Rowdy, boisterous, full of youthful energy.
Origin
The earliest citation I've found is from 1938 in John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath:
Grampa walked up and slapped Tom on the chest, and his eyes grinned with affection and pride. "How are ya, Tommy?""O.K.," said Tom. "How ya keepin' yaself?""Full a piss an' vinegar," said Grampa.
There are other similar phrases that came before that which may be the source.
In 1922 Joyce has this in Ulysses - "All wind and piss like a tanyard cat."
As far back as 1602, in Return from Parnassas - "They are pestilent fellowes, they speake nothing but bodkins, and pisse vinegar."
Those earlier citations appear to indicate a more negative meaning to the phrase. 'Wind and piss', or as it is more often given 'piss and wind' is usually taken to mean empty talk, full of bombast. Vinegar is associated with sourness and acidity in many other citations. Peter B. Kyne's 1922 novel They Also Serve includes what seems to be a straightforward polite alternative to 'piss and vinegar':
"He's full of pep and vinegar and wild for exercise."
Vinegar has been in the language as the name of the familiar liquid since the 12th century. During the 1920s vinegar was used to mean vitality and energy and that's the meaning in 'piss and vinegar' and 'pep and vinegar'. At that time many phrases indicating a general perkiness and vitality entered the language, often for no other reason than linguistic exuberance. It's most likely that the phrase originated around then, possibly as an adaptation of the existing 'vig and vigour', which means much the same.

Drink like a Fish

Meaning
Drink heavily, especially of alcoholic drink.
Origin
Clearly an allusion to fishes' close association with water and their continuous open-mouthed taking in of water to obtain oxygen. The phrase is known since 1640 and appears in Fletcher and Shirley's The night-walker, or the little theife, from that date:
"Give me the bottle, I can drink like a Fish now, like an Elephant."
'Drink like an elephant' didn't catch on. There is a more recent potential boost to use 'drink like a fish' - at least for Californian Valley girls. In January 2005 a press release for the Dalian Fisherman's Song Maritime Biological Brewery in China, said that they had developed a fermentation process to make fish into wine. So now, you can 'drink, like, a fish'.

Elvis has left the building

Meaning
The show is over - go home.
Origin
This was announced at the end of Elvis Presley's concerts to encourage fans to accept that there would be no further encores and to go home. It is now used more widely to indicate that someone has made an exit or that something is complete.
Oddly, although the phrase was routinely used to encourage the audience to leave, the first time that it was announced it was to encourage them to stay in their seats. That first use was in December 1956 by Horace Logan, who was the announcer at the Louisiana Hayride show, in which Elvis was a regular performer. Presley had very quickly become very popular with teenagers but had previously taken a regular lowly spot at the Hayride, which was his first big break. He was on the bill quite early in proceedings but after his performance was over and the encore complete, the crowd of teenagers, who weren't Hillbilly enthusiasts, began to leave. Logan announced:
"Please, young people ... Elvis has left the building. He has gotten in his car and driven away ... Please take your seats"
Al Dvorin was the regular stage announcer for Elvis Presley during the 1970s. He picked up the phrase and his version can be heard on several live recordings:
"Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building. Thank you and goodnight."
The use of this term and the fact that Elvis is probably the most prominent celebrity to be known (despite claims to the contrary) to be unambiguously dead, have given rise to the verb 'to Elvis', i.e. to make a sudden exit.
The Kelsey Grammar sitcom 'Frasier' used a play on the line at the end of each show - "Frasier has left the building."

How now brown cow?

Meaning
A nonsense phrase with no real meaning as such, although it also sometimes used as a jovial greeting.
Origin
Used to be used in elocution teaching to demonstrate rounded vowel sounds. It isn't clear when this phrase was coined or where. Itwas certainly known in the USA by 1942, although is probably earlier. It appears in an item in the Maryland newspaper The Capital, in Fegruary 1942:
"Laird Cregar, now contributing his booming voice to 'Ten Gentlemen from West Point': explains how he got it. When he first tried out for the Pasadena Community Playhouse his voice wouldn't carry past the front rows. Coach Belle Kennedy had him declaim How, Now, Brown Cow? and The Rain in Spain Still Stains - over and over."
The term Brown Cow had previously been used in Scotland as a jocular name for a beer barrel. Allan Ramsay, used it inhis The gentle shepherd, a Scots pastoral comedy, 1725:
" The auld anes think it best With the brown cow to clear their een."

Shut your cake-hole

Meaning
Be quiet.
Origin
This slang expression is of UK origin, dating from the middle of the 20th century. It was widely used in the UK until about 1970s and, although somewhat archaic now, it is still used occasionally. Hunt and Pringle record it in their 1943 reference book Service Slang:
"Cake hole, the airman's name for his or anyone else's mouth."
The later equivalent term 'shut your pie-hole' began use in the USA in the 1980s. It isn't clear if that derives from the 'cake-hole' version or was coined independently.

The pot calling the kettle black

Meaning
The notion of a criticism a person is making of another could equally well apply to themself.Origin
This phrase originates in Cervantes' Don Quixote, or at least in Thomas Shelton's 1620 translation - Cervantes Saavedra's History of Don Quixote:
"You are like what is said that the frying-pan said to the kettle, 'Avant, black-browes'."
The first person who is recorded as using the phrase in English was William Penn, the founder of Pennsylvania, in his Some fruits of solitude, 1693:
"For a Covetous Man to inveigh against Prodigality... is for the Pot to call the Kettle black."
Shakespeare had previously expressed a similar notion in a line in Troilus and Cressida, 1601- "The raven chides blackness."

R.I.P Khaki.. you will be missed

2008-06-24T15:12:00.005-04:00

Today I had to say goodbye. Khaki (12/26/07-6/24/08) was there when I needed comfort and style. Khaki was as close as close can be during the terrible snow storm when I didn't think I would make it home. Khaki was soft, and light, and oh so sweet smelling. Khaki never judged me, or asked me where I had been, or looked down upon me whilst eating my third doughnut of the day.

Khaki left me today at 12:30, while I was at work. Struggling the past few weeks just to get through the day, Khaki could no longer keep up. It was just too much and Khaki exploded outward, like a great rift in the earth when the pressure is just too much. When it was over, my only choice was to go home, and mourn Khaki. Later this evening, I will say a few kind words, and commit Khaki to Allied Waste, where Khaki can be recycled to yet one day live again.

And for those who totally did not get that...I ripped the arse right outta my pants today. At work. And would be my luck, I had on pink plaid underwear. Yeah. Talk about inconspicuous.

That is a phone book I put in the seat of my britches, just so you can see the magnitude of my arse-ripping today. Oh no, Vickie couldn't just have a seam split for easy fixin'. That would be too easy, how about we just rip that sucker open like a fat girl rippin' open a bag of bacon cheese flavored pork rinds.

To make myself feel better, I found a couple of other clothing mishaps. Hope you enjoy!

Any wardrobe malfunctions you care to share?

Let's just pretend...

2008-06-21T10:44:00.004-04:00

I can change the world. Let's just pretend I am _______ (insert deity of your choice) and I can manipulate time and space.

You say, "Wow Vickie, that would be awesome! What would your world be like?"

I grin shyly, my eyes glaze over and I say "In my world, chocolate is a food group, stupid people have to wear a sign telling you exactly how stupid they are so there is no misunderstanding, ATM's are free to use regardless if it is your bank and a fat girl is the wife of choice because she can cook and your ass will never go hungry. In my world babies are always happy, all men are chivalrous and when it rains, Diet Pepsi pours forth from the heavens as a blessing from _______(again, deity of your choice) so we all can cut calories just a little bit."

Ya know, that is a bitchin world. So what would I get rid of?

People who wait until the last second to merge lanes when a lane is ending. You saw the same effin signs I did and now you expect me to let you over? Eff you buddy and your little Toyota.
People who don't hold the door. Now I do NOT mean hold it open for me to walk in, I mean you are a few steps in front of me, you open the door and let it close behind you KNOWING I am about 1/2 step behind you. HOLD IT OPEN you idiot. Holy Bad Manners Batman, its not that hard.
People who toss their cigarette butts out of the window, or dump their ashtrays in the parking lot, at a stop sign or at a red light. Littering is littering, I don't care if you are tossing one lil ole butt or a dumpster full of prison waste. Use a trashcan you lazy bastard.
What is with those little earpiece phones everyone is using? Are you that important you need to have your phone to your ear at all times? Are you too lazy to carry a cell phone that literally weighs 3.6 ounces. Gone. Not in my world. No siree.
Unpleasant cashiers. Whether it be fast food, grocery store, ice cream parlor or farmers market. I am giving you my money bitches. I am the one standing in your long ass line behind lil Jimmy who is screaming his head off while his momma is talking on her little earpiece phone to her baby daddy and screaming about the ho she caught him eyeballing. I don't want to be here neither. So say hello to me.

So out of curiosity, what would you want changed?